I'm hopeless

8 am this morning
Amanda Rose: When you have time send me a message
chris denbow: I'm here
Amanda Rose: You said you wanted to talk...
chris denbow: I said that way before all we talked about yesterday
chris denbow: you said you needed to think about it
Amanda Rose: So because I said I needed to think you don't want to talk?
chris denbow: no, sorry
chris denbow: wait
chris denbow: god, my mind is fucked right now, I do want to talk
Amanda Rose: -nods-
chris denbow: I'm just tired is all, haven't slept yet
Amanda Rose: What do you want to talk about?
chris denbow: ?
Amanda Rose: What?
chris denbow: status

(My stats: Why is it that someone can say something and I'm instantly crying? No one should have that kind of power.)
Amanda Rose: What about it?
chris denbow: nothing, nvm
chris denbow: hows your dad doing?
Amanda Rose: Being stupid.
Amanda Rose: He still has pnemonia and he isn't clean of the MRSA yet and he spent most of yesterday out on the lake fishing, when it's cold and windy
chris denbow: wow
Amanda Rose: You didn't answer my question though =/
chris denbow: what question?
Amanda Rose: nvm
chris denbow: the what about it?
Amanda Rose: No
chris denbow: then what question
Amanda Rose: Go find it, because if you can't remember what I said two minutes ago then you didn't pay much attention to it the first time.
Amanda Rose: It was before you asked about my status.
chris denbow: the what do I want to talk about? that would be why I asked about your dad, but if I have to say something specific I want to talk about instead of just talking, then idk
Amanda Rose: Ok, I'm sorry
Amanda Rose: Feel free to lead the conversation hun, because every time I do it gets us no where
chris denbow: rolling a smoke, one sec
Amanda Rose: ok
Amanda Rose: I've quit btw
chris denbow: you had no choice lol
Amanda Rose: Wow...
chris denbow: what?
chris denbow: but grats
Amanda Rose: I didn't quit for the baby. My mother has already proven that you can smoke while incubating a child.
Amanda Rose: I quit for me, cause it's time for me to fix my life and smoking will only fuck it up later on
chris denbow: ok...defensive much?
Amanda Rose: I wasn't being defensive
chris denbow: really?
Amanda Rose: Honestly.
chris denbow: looked like it
Amanda Rose: I'm sorry.
Amanda Rose: I was kinda hoping for the congrats the first time, to be honest. =/ Not a smart ass remark about how I had to quit.
chris denbow: I had tobacco in my lap, it's why I didn't say it till after you said wow, but I'm starting to think that when I talk, I fuck things up anymore
Amanda Rose: -sighs-
Amanda Rose: I don't get your logic in the first part of that but ok
chris denbow: I was getting the tobacco out of my underwear...
chris denbow: felt weird
Amanda Rose: -shrugs- I'm sorry you had tobacco in your underwear
chris denbow: I'm done talking
Amanda Rose: Then I'm done believing you really want to work with me on things
chris denbow: well, everything I've said I've gotten a smartass remark or a defensive response
chris denbow: kind of hard to have a conversatioon
Amanda Rose: I haven't been a smart ass Chris
chris denbow: Amanda Rose Mueller: -shrugs- I'm sorry you had tobacco in your underwear
Amanda Rose: And I haven't tried to be defensive either
chris denbow: no laugh, just a smartass sorry
Amanda Rose: I wasn't being a smart ass!
Amanda Rose: What else do you say to that?
Amanda Rose: "I'm sorry you feel like a hypocrit cause you can't quit"
Amanda Rose: That would have been a smart ass remark.
Amanda Rose: It also would have been mean.
chris denbow: I was trying to be funny, and I've actually been working on quitting thank you very much
Amanda Rose: Which is why I just said sorry.
Amanda Rose: And I wouldn't know that either.
Amanda Rose: That's another thing I never hear about
chris denbow: actually, no one really knew
chris denbow: not even my dad
Amanda Rose: and I couldn't tell you were trying to be funny
chris denbow: I said I had tobacco in my underwear...
Amanda Rose: And I don't find that humerous
Amanda Rose: I'm sorry
chris denbow: ok, no more of my humor then
Amanda Rose: -sighs and hangs head-
chris denbow: what
Amanda Rose: There is no nice or good way to respond to that
chris denbow: no need to respond
Amanda Rose: If there is, my brain can't think of it this early in the morning
chris denbow: you don't think my kind of humor isn't funny, so I will keep it to a minimum
Amanda Rose: No, I don't understand your humor without a tone
Amanda Rose: Not that I don't find it funny. I just can't pick it out from everything else.
chris denbow: we have an issue with talking without tones you know
Amanda Rose: Yea, I know.
Amanda Rose: But you don't have a phone to call with and I don't have the patients for it.
Amanda Rose: Patience*
chris denbow: I haven't had a phone for 2 days...
Amanda Rose: You mean Friday and Saturday?
chris denbow: since thursday afternoon
Amanda Rose: Ok... where were you Tuesday through Thursday morning? Cause I got to talk to you a little bit Tuesday morning after they put the pic line in but that was it. And I was texting you quite freuantly
chris denbow: working from 11 am to 11 pm
Amanda Rose: And if I get upset and frustrated because I don't hear from you for more than a day it's because I have a lot going on and really need someone who actually cares.
Amanda Rose: Cause my family has done nothing but show just how much they don't care. Aside from my aunt, as scary as that is. Usually she's a bitch, but with everyone else bieng assholes she's been pretty awesome.
Amanda Rose: I got my ass chewed last night cause everyone waited for me to get to the table for dinner, I had to go back downstairs for my stomach meds just so I could eat, and dad got mad saying that they're always waiting for me for dinner an he's sick of it.
Amanda Rose: When I've been too sick to eat anything for a month almost
chris denbow: I'm sorry
Amanda Rose: I've had dinner with them three times in that amount of time. That's it.
chris denbow: your dad's an ass , simple as that
Amanda Rose: So is everyone else in my life lately.
Amanda Rose: And don't get offended by that, you're the one who said you were being an ass yesterday.
chris denbow: I'm now
chris denbow: not*
Amanda Rose: ok
Amanda Rose: Aside from a few online friends I have that is. They've been really amazing and are great at listening and give their thoughts on things and just make me feel better.
chris denbow: can I make a suggestion on something
Amanda Rose: Sure
chris denbow: tell me what's going on instead of waiting for me to ask
chris denbow: half the time I'm not sure what to ask about
chris denbow: I'm adhd, my mind is everywhere
Amanda Rose: Chris, I wait to see if you care
Amanda Rose: So am I, and I still manage to ask how you're doing
chris denbow: I do ask and all I get is a short response
Amanda Rose: You rarely ask Chris
chris denbow: ok, and when I do I get a sentence maybe 2 and that's it
chris denbow: I have no idea whats going on besides the pic line and you not eating
Amanda Rose: How are you doing is different from How did your day go
Amanda Rose: How I'm doing will always be a short answer. How your day went will usually be a lot of me bitching about my day because nothing good is going on in life right now
chris denbow: so I have to be specific?
Amanda Rose: How you're doing sounds like you're asking about my emotional state
Amanda Rose: Generally if you want someone to know what you're talking about or asking
chris denbow: if I ask how your doing, I mean in general, with everything
chris denbow: not just at that point in time emotionally
Amanda Rose: How am I supposed to know that? I can't read your mind hun
chris denbow: and I can't read yorus
chris denbow: how was I supposed to know I had to ask it differently for more of a response
Amanda Rose: We've talked about this more than once babe...
chris denbow: not how to ask you we haven't
Amanda Rose: Yes, we have.
chris denbow: fine, you're right
Amanda Rose: -sighs-
chris denbow: what?
Amanda Rose: I'm trying really hard not to start crying again
chris denbow: *sighs* why do you put up with me? really? and don't give me the same because I love you line
Amanda Rose: But that's exactly why I put up with you
Amanda Rose: If I didn't love you I would have left weeks ago when you said you were jealous of the baby
chris denbow: and have I been acting jealous of our kid?
chris denbow: your* guess I shouldn't say our...
( I was instantly crying when I read that he said our. )
Amanda Rose: I wouldn't know... you've never brought it up... or called it ours...
Amanda Rose: kinda in shock over that
chris denbow: you want to know why I haven't talked much? the real reason?
Amanda Rose: Please
chris denbow: because the last 2 weeks alone, I've spent 85% of my time making money
chris denbow: I'm utterly exhausted and emotionally shot besides of what I feel for you
chris denbow: I have about 300 put back right now
chris denbow: for the baby
chris denbow: surprise...
Amanda Rose: -swats then hugs tightly- You doofus! Why do you have to wait until I'm emotionally fed up to tell me things like that?
chris denbow: because it was supposed to be a surprise...
chris denbow: like look what I did babe, but look where that went
Amanda Rose: Why do you have to wait until I'm emotionally fed up to tell me anything?
Amanda Rose: You tell me that I should just tell you what's going on and not wait for you to ask, but you don't do the same with me
chris denbow: because you would stress more over me
chris denbow: and don't tell me you wouldn't, because we both know you would
Amanda Rose: Baby... I stress less knowing what's going on
Amanda Rose: Right now, the stress of not knowing what's going on it WAY worse than the stress of knowing would be any da
chris denbow: sorry
chris denbow: see, I'm messed up...like royally
Amanda Rose: -sighs- You stupid silly man -smiles and kisses softly- I will always love you babe, I always have, that's why I stay. As much as my head says I'm stupid, my heart can't let go.
Amanda Rose: You can be really amazing when you try
Amanda Rose: Like you were in the begining
Amanda Rose: I stay because I hope for us to get back to that point
Amanda Rose: Because that was the happiest time of my life
chris denbow: I know, but it's hard when I'm trying to get things going to support you two
Amanda Rose: One thing at a time babe
Amanda Rose: I can't easily move down there, but if I get my disability I can get a place up here... and if you're willing to move.. we'd have a place
chris denbow: who said the money was for you to move here?
chris denbow: the money is for the baby
chris denbow: not to sound like an ass about it...
Amanda Rose: I didn't mean it that way
Amanda Rose: I didn't mean for you to spend the money you have saved
chris denbow: I'm not going to, I'm telling you that I've been getting the money for the baby
Amanda Rose: That statement was about disability
chris denbow: ok
Amanda Rose: I get back pay for almost three years if they accept it
chris denbow: ok
chris denbow: well, I'm sorry but I need to get some sleep, I'm exhausted
Amanda Rose: I want to get a car, and possibly a trailer or small place. Three years of back pay is a good amount of money
Amanda Rose: and ok, get some sleep baby. I love you
chris denbow: I love you too, and I'm sorry
Amanda Rose: One thing though
chris denbow: yes?
Amanda Rose: You can't go until I get a little affection
chris denbow: thats so not fair lol
Amanda Rose: How is that not fair? I kissed you, you never kissed back
Amanda Rose: and I hugged you too without a response
chris denbow: ok, I see the hug
Amanda Rose: I kissed you when I said I loved you and I always have
chris denbow: I didn't see the kiss without the first -, the words mixed together
chris denbow: *kisses and cuddles* come lay with me
Amanda Rose: -kisses back and curls up against your chest- You know, you don't have to act like an ass to cover up, I already know deep down you're a teddy bear
chris denbow: ?
Amanda Rose: It was a joke
chris denbow: oh
chris denbow: brat
Amanda Rose: that's why I added the face
chris denbow: >.> told you I'm tired
Amanda Rose: And I'm your brat so shut up and love me!
chris denbow: I do love you
Amanda Rose: Show it D< lol
chris denbow: demanding it wont get it
chris denbow: takes the meaning out of it
Amanda Rose: -rolls my eyes playfully- Shut up and kiss me -holds your face in my hands and kisses deeply-
chris denbow: *kisses back, holding you*
Amanda Rose: -smiles- this is what I needed...
Amanda Rose: Some real cuddling time would be nice, but this is enough to get me by until I can have that.
Amanda Rose: And it's the quickest way to defuse my anger
chris denbow: good to know
Amanda Rose: I love you baby and I know you love me, I just wish we could focus on that more.
Amanda Rose: We're so wrapped up in all the shit around us we stopped taking that little bit of time for each other
Amanda Rose: and I miss and crave that more than anything
chris denbow: yes, but you do realize you made it all out on me?
Amanda Rose: How many times have I told you that I know it's not just you?
chris denbow: I know, but reread everything since last night
Amanda Rose: It looks like you're not trying and I've been actively trying to make things better
Amanda Rose: How am I supposed to feel?
Amanda Rose: And yes, now I'm getting defensive
Amanda Rose: I don't know what you're doing anymore, or what you're thinking. I get silence. No matter how many times I text and you can't tell me you don't get any of my texts because there are days I never have to resend for you to get something
chris denbow: I honestly have no idea about my phone
chris denbow: apparently a friend of mine has tried to call and they never go through
chris denbow: I get random voicemails from him
Amanda Rose: I just have a question though, slightly off topic
Amanda Rose: Why does your landlord randomly come over?
Amanda Rose: And why so often?
chris denbow: because the house I have I'm helping fix up
chris denbow: it's how I got out of the security deposit
Amanda Rose: -nods-
chris denbow: so her and her son come to help and check on things
Amanda Rose: I really hate when I get stories in bits and peices babe, from now on can you tell me everything at once?
Amanda Rose: It just makes it easier for me to understand things
chris denbow: ok, but I didn't think me fixing up the house really mattered
Amanda Rose: and I don't have to sit here wondering cause my brain never comes up with good scenarios
Amanda Rose: Everything matters....
chris denbow: Ah, I get it now
Amanda Rose: What do you mean?
chris denbow: never a good scenario, I can only imagine what you thought
Amanda Rose: I thought you were lying to me.
Amanda Rose: When my father lies he adds a little more to the story every time he talks about it. I can't stand it. I've explained that before.
chris denbow: yeah I know
Amanda Rose: And everything matters
chris denbow: ok
Amanda Rose: I'm not one of those girlfriends who only cares about certain things or only wants to hear about the big stuff
Amanda Rose: I like listening babe
Amanda Rose: I will almost never tell you to shut up cause you're talking too much
chris denbow: ok
Amanda Rose: -kisses- You're starting to give me short answers, go to bed
chris denbow: *kisses* alright baby
Amanda Rose: -curls up tight to your chest- I'm an idiot, but I love you anyways.
chris denbow: *holds you* an idiot how?
Amanda Rose: I had every intention of staying away and taking longer to think and I couldn't do it
chris denbow: how does that make you an idiot?
Amanda Rose: Because my brain was made up, my heart wasn't
chris denbow: ah
Amanda Rose: Truth is... I miss you like crazy when you're gone
Amanda Rose: even when you're being mean
chris denbow: I'm sorry
Amanda Rose: -kisses- Go to bed, we can talk more later. I need a small nap too
chris denbow: *kisses* ok, I love you
Amanda Rose: -kisses back- I wish you could see how I smile when you say it first -hugs tightly- I love you too baby
chris denbow is typing...
chris denbow: night hun
Amanda Rose: night

He's an asshole, but in the end I'm still in love with his stupid ass. I know why I stay now... because I still get brief moments of the way things used to be and I still hope we can get back to that some day.