Geeklet's Little Miracle
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
blah
I need to write something, but the last few days every time I try I get no where... Idk what's wrong. All I know is part of it is me and part of it is the men in my life. =/
Friday, May 18, 2012
WHOOO!!!
Baby is doing good! The ultrasound tech was able to see that baby has all it's organs and is very healthy and normal looking!!! Also, I've gained 7 lbs and the morning sickness isn't as bad so I get the pic line out next Friday!!!! WHOOOO!!!!! My next appointment is in a month, at which point they will check me for diabetes, but judging on the amount of juice I drink and lack of sugar rage, I think I'm fine. <3 I'm so happy!!!! Now for a nap though. Cause I got maybe three hours last night. x.x
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Times when the child really needs to get after the parent
Seriously. It sounds rude and disrespectful, but my mother was WAY out of line tonight with what she said. Someone had to tell her.
Here is what happened: Carl asked mom is he could show her something and she agreed. A few minutes later he comes back upstairs and lets her know that he needed her to go downstairs cause he couldn't bring the xbox upstairs. What does my mother do? Sighs disgustedly and say "Fine. Maybe someday I'll die and get a break to myself."
Hearing this literally put me in a fit of rage. So as she walked away I yelled at her "Why don't you just stay in your room instead of making your son feel bad for asking for something?!" and she got pissed and yelled back "Stay out of it!" and I said "Kinda hard when you're being a loud bitch."
Here is what happened: Carl asked mom is he could show her something and she agreed. A few minutes later he comes back upstairs and lets her know that he needed her to go downstairs cause he couldn't bring the xbox upstairs. What does my mother do? Sighs disgustedly and say "Fine. Maybe someday I'll die and get a break to myself."
Hearing this literally put me in a fit of rage. So as she walked away I yelled at her "Why don't you just stay in your room instead of making your son feel bad for asking for something?!" and she got pissed and yelled back "Stay out of it!" and I said "Kinda hard when you're being a loud bitch."
Yet another curve ball
Ok, when I first got pregnant I had my teeth cleaned and was going to get teeth fixed since I finally have insurance now. The dentist refused to fix anything because "The xrays aren't safe for the baby." Which is bullshit and anyone who's seen the tiny ass things that they xray your mouth with knows that. The lead apron covers everything from my chin down, it's fine. Fuck, they gave me two chest xrays when I had pnuemonia. That's WAY worse.
Anyways, one of the really bad teeth (one that's in the very back on top, 60% of outside part of tooth is gone, chipped and sharp.) I begged to have fixed if nothing else, they said no. Here I am 4 months later and the tooth is FULL of infection and the entire gum line around the tooth is FULL of blood and infection. So I went in today and asked the lady nicely to make the apt asap to have it pulled. Explained everything to. She argued with me "Well we can probably only fill it and give you antibiotics." Being in a cranky mood this was my response:
"I've had this tooth filled in three times and each time the tooth has gotten infected, now my gums are infected. Leaving my child at risk as well as myself for the blood poisoning this shit can cause. Not to mention I was on antibiotics for two weeks for my pneumonia. They obviously worked wonders. PULL THE FUCKING TOOTH."
Stunned, the woman looked at my mom for an answer and my mother just just "I wouldn't argue with a mother trying to keep her child safe."
"...Well... we need a note from your doctor saying it's ok to use novacain."
-_- "I thought that was called a local anesthetic because it only works in the local area and doesn't go in your blood."
"Well that's true but..."
"You'll have the note tomorrow. Make the appointment."
"Yes ma'am."
My OBGYN had the note for me within an hour when she found out about my tooth. I have it pulled on Friday.
Anyways, one of the really bad teeth (one that's in the very back on top, 60% of outside part of tooth is gone, chipped and sharp.) I begged to have fixed if nothing else, they said no. Here I am 4 months later and the tooth is FULL of infection and the entire gum line around the tooth is FULL of blood and infection. So I went in today and asked the lady nicely to make the apt asap to have it pulled. Explained everything to. She argued with me "Well we can probably only fill it and give you antibiotics." Being in a cranky mood this was my response:
"I've had this tooth filled in three times and each time the tooth has gotten infected, now my gums are infected. Leaving my child at risk as well as myself for the blood poisoning this shit can cause. Not to mention I was on antibiotics for two weeks for my pneumonia. They obviously worked wonders. PULL THE FUCKING TOOTH."
Stunned, the woman looked at my mom for an answer and my mother just just "I wouldn't argue with a mother trying to keep her child safe."
"...Well... we need a note from your doctor saying it's ok to use novacain."
-_- "I thought that was called a local anesthetic because it only works in the local area and doesn't go in your blood."
"Well that's true but..."
"You'll have the note tomorrow. Make the appointment."
"Yes ma'am."
My OBGYN had the note for me within an hour when she found out about my tooth. I have it pulled on Friday.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Baby Update for the week from BabyGaGa
This week you're carrying around 10.5 inches and 10.5 ounces of solid magical baby goodness!
Your fantastic fetus' fragile tiny bones continue to ossify and toughen while their itsy bitsy finger and toe pads (and unique finger prints) are finishing up.
Your little womb-dancer also has teeth buds sprouting beneath their gum line.
And finally! Your wee one's limbs have reached their relative proportions — no more bobble-head!
Their little pink lips are more defined, and might be helping out in a bit of prenatal thumb-sucking.
If you have a little boy: their tiny testes are descending, though they have not yet passed the abdominal wall.
And in a final anti-alien development: the first of their tiny eyelashes and eyebrows are now present.
Essentially, your little one really does looks like a miniature baby — and we do mean miniature - your little swimmer currently weighs a mere eighth of their birth weight.
Good work mama! You're bakin' a beautiful baby and you're already half-done!
Your fantastic fetus' fragile tiny bones continue to ossify and toughen while their itsy bitsy finger and toe pads (and unique finger prints) are finishing up.
Your little womb-dancer also has teeth buds sprouting beneath their gum line.
And finally! Your wee one's limbs have reached their relative proportions — no more bobble-head!
Their little pink lips are more defined, and might be helping out in a bit of prenatal thumb-sucking.
If you have a little boy: their tiny testes are descending, though they have not yet passed the abdominal wall.
And in a final anti-alien development: the first of their tiny eyelashes and eyebrows are now present.
Essentially, your little one really does looks like a miniature baby — and we do mean miniature - your little swimmer currently weighs a mere eighth of their birth weight.
Good work mama! You're bakin' a beautiful baby and you're already half-done!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Using lies to get ahead
Ok, no one is on msn to rant too and I don't feel right putting this is squad chat, so here goes my little rant.
This girl's shop is gorgeous, hands down. The general layout of this shop is beautiful, colorful, and pleasing to the eyes. Without a doubt. I'm honestly impressed with the graphics.
I am not impressed with her.
These are the graphics she makes.
As someone who works my ass off on not only the layout of my shop but every order I get, I find this offensive and misleading. A person's shop should reflect the work their capable of, and obviously this girls shop advertises work that is levels above what she can actually do.
Some girl paid almost 6k for a thread layout, all the banners look like this. I wouldn't pay 1k for these banners. She seriously got ripped off. That alone pisses me off! I do everything I can to be a fair person, that's why my shop has been price free for 5 months. I want to get what other Ernyans think my work is worth. Not some ridiculous high amount because I can get away with it. Mind you, the switch to Ernya with the shop has been hard. My shop on Gaia gets 50-80k a shot for a thread layout, but that is because that is was other gaians have said it is worth. And every few months I have a month or two where everything is half off or cheaper. It's just good business to be nice. Why is that hard for people to get? I work my ass off, but I do this for other people and because I simply love to do it, not for the gold. I really pisses me off when I see people pulling shit like this. D<
This girl's shop is gorgeous, hands down. The general layout of this shop is beautiful, colorful, and pleasing to the eyes. Without a doubt. I'm honestly impressed with the graphics.
I am not impressed with her.
These are the graphics she makes.
As someone who works my ass off on not only the layout of my shop but every order I get, I find this offensive and misleading. A person's shop should reflect the work their capable of, and obviously this girls shop advertises work that is levels above what she can actually do.
Some girl paid almost 6k for a thread layout, all the banners look like this. I wouldn't pay 1k for these banners. She seriously got ripped off. That alone pisses me off! I do everything I can to be a fair person, that's why my shop has been price free for 5 months. I want to get what other Ernyans think my work is worth. Not some ridiculous high amount because I can get away with it. Mind you, the switch to Ernya with the shop has been hard. My shop on Gaia gets 50-80k a shot for a thread layout, but that is because that is was other gaians have said it is worth. And every few months I have a month or two where everything is half off or cheaper. It's just good business to be nice. Why is that hard for people to get? I work my ass off, but I do this for other people and because I simply love to do it, not for the gold. I really pisses me off when I see people pulling shit like this. D<
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Two hearts with one stone.
Have you ever seen a child's face when they realize that something they wanted isn't going to happen? I had to see that face tonight as my brother walked onto the stage for his choir concert and saw that our father wasn't sitting with me. Before we left dad swore he would be there. I left early to get him there in time for practice before the concert and called five minutes before the start and my other brother told me that he had gone back to bed. That he didn't want to get up. Seeing that look on my baby brother's face killed me tonight. I know that look and feeling all too well. He never went to any of my things, but always swore he would. Carl was so excited cause dad had changed his mind and said he would go and looked like he was going to cry when he saw me sitting without him.
I am so incredibly pissed off at my father it isn't fathomable. I got home with Carl and went straight to dad's room and loudly said "I hope you're happy, you really hurt your son tonight." and walked out. I hope that asshole feels bad.
I swear to God I will be at every event my child has. I NEVER want he or she to know what this feeling feels like. I WILL do better than my parents did. So help me God.
I am so incredibly pissed off at my father it isn't fathomable. I got home with Carl and went straight to dad's room and loudly said "I hope you're happy, you really hurt your son tonight." and walked out. I hope that asshole feels bad.
I swear to God I will be at every event my child has. I NEVER want he or she to know what this feeling feels like. I WILL do better than my parents did. So help me God.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
For once puking helped me. :)
I woke up sick to my stomach as always and went to get my meds so I could eat, only to find my brothers had hidden them me. I tried threatening, reasoning and finally... taddling. Nothing worked. The adults didn't believe they would do that and the boys refused to cough them up. So I decided to get even.
Picture this: My 13 year old brother who is a stalky boy, not fat just built like a foot ball player, sitting on the couch playing on the xbox. I'm descreatly sitting next to him with a book, with a wonderful and mean plan. He's getting his ass kicked and I feel my stomach lurch and know I'm going to puke. Instead of running the the bathroom, or even leaning over the garbage can beside me I quickly turn my head over his lap and puke all over it. He's disgusted, throws a controller and freaks out. All I have to say is "I guess you shouldn't have stolen my meds, huh?"
:D
He cleaned up and got them for me. ^_^ And I didn't get in trouble at all. I told dad had they not taken my meds I wouldn't have puked. Dad even thought it was funny.
Highlight of my day. :D
Picture this: My 13 year old brother who is a stalky boy, not fat just built like a foot ball player, sitting on the couch playing on the xbox. I'm descreatly sitting next to him with a book, with a wonderful and mean plan. He's getting his ass kicked and I feel my stomach lurch and know I'm going to puke. Instead of running the the bathroom, or even leaning over the garbage can beside me I quickly turn my head over his lap and puke all over it. He's disgusted, throws a controller and freaks out. All I have to say is "I guess you shouldn't have stolen my meds, huh?"
:D
He cleaned up and got them for me. ^_^ And I didn't get in trouble at all. I told dad had they not taken my meds I wouldn't have puked. Dad even thought it was funny.
Highlight of my day. :D
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
A new begining?
Yes, I gave Chris another chance - but this is his last one. Period. After this I walk away, feelings or not. But... I think scaring him like I did worked. He's talking, messaging me first, he's affectionate and playful and talking about baby and still saying ours and talking about the future. If he suddenly stops it though I'm gone. He said he could get better and stay that way, we'll see though.
But other than that... it's amazing. He used to always be like this. This is the man I feel in love with. If he's back for good then this has a good chance of working out. If we can continue to talk like this.... -happy sigh-
But other than that... it's amazing. He used to always be like this. This is the man I feel in love with. If he's back for good then this has a good chance of working out. If we can continue to talk like this.... -happy sigh-
Sunday, May 6, 2012
I'm hopeless
8 am this morning
Amanda Rose: When you have time send me a message
chris denbow: I'm here
Amanda Rose: You said you wanted to talk...
chris denbow: I said that way before all we talked about yesterday
chris denbow: you said you needed to think about it
Amanda Rose: So because I said I needed to think you don't want to talk?
chris denbow: no, sorry
chris denbow: wait
chris denbow: god, my mind is fucked right now, I do want to talk
Amanda Rose: -nods-
chris denbow: I'm just tired is all, haven't slept yet
Amanda Rose: What do you want to talk about?
chris denbow: ?
Amanda Rose: What?
chris denbow: status
(My stats: Why is it that someone can say something and I'm instantly crying? No one should have that kind of power.)
Amanda Rose: What about it?
chris denbow: nothing, nvm
chris denbow: hows your dad doing?
Amanda Rose: Being stupid.
Amanda Rose: He still has pnemonia and he isn't clean of the MRSA yet and he spent most of yesterday out on the lake fishing, when it's cold and windy
chris denbow: wow
Amanda Rose: You didn't answer my question though =/
chris denbow: what question?
Amanda Rose: nvm
chris denbow: the what about it?
Amanda Rose: No
chris denbow: then what question
Amanda Rose: Go find it, because if you can't remember what I said two minutes ago then you didn't pay much attention to it the first time.
Amanda Rose: It was before you asked about my status.
chris denbow: the what do I want to talk about? that would be why I asked about your dad, but if I have to say something specific I want to talk about instead of just talking, then idk
Amanda Rose: Ok, I'm sorry
Amanda Rose: Feel free to lead the conversation hun, because every time I do it gets us no where
chris denbow: rolling a smoke, one sec
Amanda Rose: ok
Amanda Rose: I've quit btw
chris denbow: you had no choice lol
Amanda Rose: Wow...
chris denbow: what?
chris denbow: but grats
Amanda Rose: I didn't quit for the baby. My mother has already proven that you can smoke while incubating a child.
Amanda Rose: I quit for me, cause it's time for me to fix my life and smoking will only fuck it up later on
chris denbow: ok...defensive much?
Amanda Rose: I wasn't being defensive
chris denbow: really?
Amanda Rose: Honestly.
chris denbow: looked like it
Amanda Rose: I'm sorry.
Amanda Rose: I was kinda hoping for the congrats the first time, to be honest. =/ Not a smart ass remark about how I had to quit.
chris denbow: I had tobacco in my lap, it's why I didn't say it till after you said wow, but I'm starting to think that when I talk, I fuck things up anymore
Amanda Rose: -sighs-
Amanda Rose: I don't get your logic in the first part of that but ok
chris denbow: I was getting the tobacco out of my underwear...
chris denbow: felt weird
Amanda Rose: -shrugs- I'm sorry you had tobacco in your underwear
chris denbow: I'm done talking
Amanda Rose: Then I'm done believing you really want to work with me on things
chris denbow: well, everything I've said I've gotten a smartass remark or a defensive response
chris denbow: kind of hard to have a conversatioon
Amanda Rose: I haven't been a smart ass Chris
chris denbow: Amanda Rose Mueller: -shrugs- I'm sorry you had tobacco in your underwear
Amanda Rose: And I haven't tried to be defensive either
chris denbow: no laugh, just a smartass sorry
Amanda Rose: I wasn't being a smart ass!
Amanda Rose: What else do you say to that?
Amanda Rose: "I'm sorry you feel like a hypocrit cause you can't quit"
Amanda Rose: That would have been a smart ass remark.
Amanda Rose: It also would have been mean.
chris denbow: I was trying to be funny, and I've actually been working on quitting thank you very much
Amanda Rose: Which is why I just said sorry.
Amanda Rose: And I wouldn't know that either.
Amanda Rose: That's another thing I never hear about
chris denbow: actually, no one really knew
chris denbow: not even my dad
Amanda Rose: and I couldn't tell you were trying to be funny
chris denbow: I said I had tobacco in my underwear...
Amanda Rose: And I don't find that humerous
Amanda Rose: I'm sorry
chris denbow: ok, no more of my humor then
Amanda Rose: -sighs and hangs head-
chris denbow: what
Amanda Rose: There is no nice or good way to respond to that
chris denbow: no need to respond
Amanda Rose: If there is, my brain can't think of it this early in the morning
chris denbow: you don't think my kind of humor isn't funny, so I will keep it to a minimum
Amanda Rose: No, I don't understand your humor without a tone
Amanda Rose: Not that I don't find it funny. I just can't pick it out from everything else.
chris denbow: we have an issue with talking without tones you know
Amanda Rose: Yea, I know.
Amanda Rose: But you don't have a phone to call with and I don't have the patients for it.
Amanda Rose: Patience*
chris denbow: I haven't had a phone for 2 days...
Amanda Rose: You mean Friday and Saturday?
chris denbow: since thursday afternoon
Amanda Rose: Ok... where were you Tuesday through Thursday morning? Cause I got to talk to you a little bit Tuesday morning after they put the pic line in but that was it. And I was texting you quite freuantly
chris denbow: working from 11 am to 11 pm
Amanda Rose: And if I get upset and frustrated because I don't hear from you for more than a day it's because I have a lot going on and really need someone who actually cares.
Amanda Rose: Cause my family has done nothing but show just how much they don't care. Aside from my aunt, as scary as that is. Usually she's a bitch, but with everyone else bieng assholes she's been pretty awesome.
Amanda Rose: I got my ass chewed last night cause everyone waited for me to get to the table for dinner, I had to go back downstairs for my stomach meds just so I could eat, and dad got mad saying that they're always waiting for me for dinner an he's sick of it.
Amanda Rose: When I've been too sick to eat anything for a month almost
chris denbow: I'm sorry
Amanda Rose: I've had dinner with them three times in that amount of time. That's it.
chris denbow: your dad's an ass , simple as that
Amanda Rose: So is everyone else in my life lately.
Amanda Rose: And don't get offended by that, you're the one who said you were being an ass yesterday.
chris denbow: I'm now
chris denbow: not*
Amanda Rose: ok
Amanda Rose: Aside from a few online friends I have that is. They've been really amazing and are great at listening and give their thoughts on things and just make me feel better.
chris denbow: can I make a suggestion on something
Amanda Rose: Sure
chris denbow: tell me what's going on instead of waiting for me to ask
chris denbow: half the time I'm not sure what to ask about
chris denbow: I'm adhd, my mind is everywhere
Amanda Rose: Chris, I wait to see if you care
Amanda Rose: So am I, and I still manage to ask how you're doing
chris denbow: I do ask and all I get is a short response
Amanda Rose: You rarely ask Chris
chris denbow: ok, and when I do I get a sentence maybe 2 and that's it
chris denbow: I have no idea whats going on besides the pic line and you not eating
Amanda Rose: How are you doing is different from How did your day go
Amanda Rose: How I'm doing will always be a short answer. How your day went will usually be a lot of me bitching about my day because nothing good is going on in life right now
chris denbow: so I have to be specific?
Amanda Rose: How you're doing sounds like you're asking about my emotional state
Amanda Rose: Generally if you want someone to know what you're talking about or asking
chris denbow: if I ask how your doing, I mean in general, with everything
chris denbow: not just at that point in time emotionally
Amanda Rose: How am I supposed to know that? I can't read your mind hun
chris denbow: and I can't read yorus
chris denbow: how was I supposed to know I had to ask it differently for more of a response
Amanda Rose: We've talked about this more than once babe...
chris denbow: not how to ask you we haven't
Amanda Rose: Yes, we have.
chris denbow: fine, you're right
Amanda Rose: -sighs-
chris denbow: what?
Amanda Rose: I'm trying really hard not to start crying again
chris denbow: *sighs* why do you put up with me? really? and don't give me the same because I love you line
Amanda Rose: But that's exactly why I put up with you
Amanda Rose: If I didn't love you I would have left weeks ago when you said you were jealous of the baby
chris denbow: and have I been acting jealous of our kid?
chris denbow: your* guess I shouldn't say our...
( I was instantly crying when I read that he said our. )
Amanda Rose: I wouldn't know... you've never brought it up... or called it ours...
Amanda Rose: kinda in shock over that
chris denbow: you want to know why I haven't talked much? the real reason?
Amanda Rose: Please
chris denbow: because the last 2 weeks alone, I've spent 85% of my time making money
chris denbow: I'm utterly exhausted and emotionally shot besides of what I feel for you
chris denbow: I have about 300 put back right now
chris denbow: for the baby
chris denbow: surprise...
Amanda Rose: -swats then hugs tightly- You doofus! Why do you have to wait until I'm emotionally fed up to tell me things like that?
chris denbow: because it was supposed to be a surprise...
chris denbow: like look what I did babe, but look where that went
Amanda Rose: Why do you have to wait until I'm emotionally fed up to tell me anything?
Amanda Rose: You tell me that I should just tell you what's going on and not wait for you to ask, but you don't do the same with me
chris denbow: because you would stress more over me
chris denbow: and don't tell me you wouldn't, because we both know you would
Amanda Rose: Baby... I stress less knowing what's going on
Amanda Rose: Right now, the stress of not knowing what's going on it WAY worse than the stress of knowing would be any da
chris denbow: sorry
chris denbow: see, I'm messed up...like royally
Amanda Rose: -sighs- You stupid silly man -smiles and kisses softly- I will always love you babe, I always have, that's why I stay. As much as my head says I'm stupid, my heart can't let go.
Amanda Rose: You can be really amazing when you try
Amanda Rose: Like you were in the begining
Amanda Rose: I stay because I hope for us to get back to that point
Amanda Rose: Because that was the happiest time of my life
chris denbow: I know, but it's hard when I'm trying to get things going to support you two
Amanda Rose: One thing at a time babe
Amanda Rose: I can't easily move down there, but if I get my disability I can get a place up here... and if you're willing to move.. we'd have a place
chris denbow: who said the money was for you to move here?
chris denbow: the money is for the baby
chris denbow: not to sound like an ass about it...
Amanda Rose: I didn't mean it that way
Amanda Rose: I didn't mean for you to spend the money you have saved
chris denbow: I'm not going to, I'm telling you that I've been getting the money for the baby
Amanda Rose: That statement was about disability
chris denbow: ok
Amanda Rose: I get back pay for almost three years if they accept it
chris denbow: ok
chris denbow: well, I'm sorry but I need to get some sleep, I'm exhausted
Amanda Rose: I want to get a car, and possibly a trailer or small place. Three years of back pay is a good amount of money
Amanda Rose: and ok, get some sleep baby. I love you
chris denbow: I love you too, and I'm sorry
Amanda Rose: One thing though
chris denbow: yes?
Amanda Rose: You can't go until I get a little affection
chris denbow: thats so not fair lol
Amanda Rose: How is that not fair? I kissed you, you never kissed back
Amanda Rose: and I hugged you too without a response
chris denbow: ok, I see the hug
Amanda Rose: I kissed you when I said I loved you and I always have
chris denbow: I didn't see the kiss without the first -, the words mixed together
chris denbow: *kisses and cuddles* come lay with me
Amanda Rose: -kisses back and curls up against your chest- You know, you don't have to act like an ass to cover up, I already know deep down you're a teddy bear
chris denbow: ?
Amanda Rose: It was a joke
chris denbow: oh
chris denbow: brat
Amanda Rose: that's why I added the face
chris denbow: >.> told you I'm tired
Amanda Rose: And I'm your brat so shut up and love me!
chris denbow: I do love you
Amanda Rose: Show it D< lol
chris denbow: demanding it wont get it
chris denbow: takes the meaning out of it
Amanda Rose: -rolls my eyes playfully- Shut up and kiss me -holds your face in my hands and kisses deeply-
chris denbow: *kisses back, holding you*
Amanda Rose: -smiles- this is what I needed...
Amanda Rose: Some real cuddling time would be nice, but this is enough to get me by until I can have that.
Amanda Rose: And it's the quickest way to defuse my anger
chris denbow: good to know
Amanda Rose: I love you baby and I know you love me, I just wish we could focus on that more.
Amanda Rose: We're so wrapped up in all the shit around us we stopped taking that little bit of time for each other
Amanda Rose: and I miss and crave that more than anything
chris denbow: yes, but you do realize you made it all out on me?
Amanda Rose: How many times have I told you that I know it's not just you?
chris denbow: I know, but reread everything since last night
Amanda Rose: It looks like you're not trying and I've been actively trying to make things better
Amanda Rose: How am I supposed to feel?
Amanda Rose: And yes, now I'm getting defensive
Amanda Rose: I don't know what you're doing anymore, or what you're thinking. I get silence. No matter how many times I text and you can't tell me you don't get any of my texts because there are days I never have to resend for you to get something
chris denbow: I honestly have no idea about my phone
chris denbow: apparently a friend of mine has tried to call and they never go through
chris denbow: I get random voicemails from him
Amanda Rose: I just have a question though, slightly off topic
Amanda Rose: Why does your landlord randomly come over?
Amanda Rose: And why so often?
chris denbow: because the house I have I'm helping fix up
chris denbow: it's how I got out of the security deposit
Amanda Rose: -nods-
chris denbow: so her and her son come to help and check on things
Amanda Rose: I really hate when I get stories in bits and peices babe, from now on can you tell me everything at once?
Amanda Rose: It just makes it easier for me to understand things
chris denbow: ok, but I didn't think me fixing up the house really mattered
Amanda Rose: and I don't have to sit here wondering cause my brain never comes up with good scenarios
Amanda Rose: Everything matters....
chris denbow: Ah, I get it now
Amanda Rose: What do you mean?
chris denbow: never a good scenario, I can only imagine what you thought
Amanda Rose: I thought you were lying to me.
Amanda Rose: When my father lies he adds a little more to the story every time he talks about it. I can't stand it. I've explained that before.
chris denbow: yeah I know
Amanda Rose: And everything matters
chris denbow: ok
Amanda Rose: I'm not one of those girlfriends who only cares about certain things or only wants to hear about the big stuff
Amanda Rose: I like listening babe
Amanda Rose: I will almost never tell you to shut up cause you're talking too much
chris denbow: ok
Amanda Rose: -kisses- You're starting to give me short answers, go to bed
chris denbow: *kisses* alright baby
Amanda Rose: -curls up tight to your chest- I'm an idiot, but I love you anyways.
chris denbow: *holds you* an idiot how?
Amanda Rose: I had every intention of staying away and taking longer to think and I couldn't do it
chris denbow: how does that make you an idiot?
Amanda Rose: Because my brain was made up, my heart wasn't
chris denbow: ah
Amanda Rose: Truth is... I miss you like crazy when you're gone
Amanda Rose: even when you're being mean
chris denbow: I'm sorry
Amanda Rose: -kisses- Go to bed, we can talk more later. I need a small nap too
chris denbow: *kisses* ok, I love you
Amanda Rose: -kisses back- I wish you could see how I smile when you say it first -hugs tightly- I love you too baby
chris denbow is typing...
chris denbow: night hun
Amanda Rose: night
He's an asshole, but in the end I'm still in love with his stupid ass. I know why I stay now... because I still get brief moments of the way things used to be and I still hope we can get back to that some day.
Amanda Rose: When you have time send me a message
chris denbow: I'm here
Amanda Rose: You said you wanted to talk...
chris denbow: I said that way before all we talked about yesterday
chris denbow: you said you needed to think about it
Amanda Rose: So because I said I needed to think you don't want to talk?
chris denbow: no, sorry
chris denbow: wait
chris denbow: god, my mind is fucked right now, I do want to talk
Amanda Rose: -nods-
chris denbow: I'm just tired is all, haven't slept yet
Amanda Rose: What do you want to talk about?
chris denbow: ?
Amanda Rose: What?
chris denbow: status
(My stats: Why is it that someone can say something and I'm instantly crying? No one should have that kind of power.)
Amanda Rose: What about it?
chris denbow: nothing, nvm
chris denbow: hows your dad doing?
Amanda Rose: Being stupid.
Amanda Rose: He still has pnemonia and he isn't clean of the MRSA yet and he spent most of yesterday out on the lake fishing, when it's cold and windy
chris denbow: wow
Amanda Rose: You didn't answer my question though =/
chris denbow: what question?
Amanda Rose: nvm
chris denbow: the what about it?
Amanda Rose: No
chris denbow: then what question
Amanda Rose: Go find it, because if you can't remember what I said two minutes ago then you didn't pay much attention to it the first time.
Amanda Rose: It was before you asked about my status.
chris denbow: the what do I want to talk about? that would be why I asked about your dad, but if I have to say something specific I want to talk about instead of just talking, then idk
Amanda Rose: Ok, I'm sorry
Amanda Rose: Feel free to lead the conversation hun, because every time I do it gets us no where
chris denbow: rolling a smoke, one sec
Amanda Rose: ok
Amanda Rose: I've quit btw
chris denbow: you had no choice lol
Amanda Rose: Wow...
chris denbow: what?
chris denbow: but grats
Amanda Rose: I didn't quit for the baby. My mother has already proven that you can smoke while incubating a child.
Amanda Rose: I quit for me, cause it's time for me to fix my life and smoking will only fuck it up later on
chris denbow: ok...defensive much?
Amanda Rose: I wasn't being defensive
chris denbow: really?
Amanda Rose: Honestly.
chris denbow: looked like it
Amanda Rose: I'm sorry.
Amanda Rose: I was kinda hoping for the congrats the first time, to be honest. =/ Not a smart ass remark about how I had to quit.
chris denbow: I had tobacco in my lap, it's why I didn't say it till after you said wow, but I'm starting to think that when I talk, I fuck things up anymore
Amanda Rose: -sighs-
Amanda Rose: I don't get your logic in the first part of that but ok
chris denbow: I was getting the tobacco out of my underwear...
chris denbow: felt weird
Amanda Rose: -shrugs- I'm sorry you had tobacco in your underwear
chris denbow: I'm done talking
Amanda Rose: Then I'm done believing you really want to work with me on things
chris denbow: well, everything I've said I've gotten a smartass remark or a defensive response
chris denbow: kind of hard to have a conversatioon
Amanda Rose: I haven't been a smart ass Chris
chris denbow: Amanda Rose Mueller: -shrugs- I'm sorry you had tobacco in your underwear
Amanda Rose: And I haven't tried to be defensive either
chris denbow: no laugh, just a smartass sorry
Amanda Rose: I wasn't being a smart ass!
Amanda Rose: What else do you say to that?
Amanda Rose: "I'm sorry you feel like a hypocrit cause you can't quit"
Amanda Rose: That would have been a smart ass remark.
Amanda Rose: It also would have been mean.
chris denbow: I was trying to be funny, and I've actually been working on quitting thank you very much
Amanda Rose: Which is why I just said sorry.
Amanda Rose: And I wouldn't know that either.
Amanda Rose: That's another thing I never hear about
chris denbow: actually, no one really knew
chris denbow: not even my dad
Amanda Rose: and I couldn't tell you were trying to be funny
chris denbow: I said I had tobacco in my underwear...
Amanda Rose: And I don't find that humerous
Amanda Rose: I'm sorry
chris denbow: ok, no more of my humor then
Amanda Rose: -sighs and hangs head-
chris denbow: what
Amanda Rose: There is no nice or good way to respond to that
chris denbow: no need to respond
Amanda Rose: If there is, my brain can't think of it this early in the morning
chris denbow: you don't think my kind of humor isn't funny, so I will keep it to a minimum
Amanda Rose: No, I don't understand your humor without a tone
Amanda Rose: Not that I don't find it funny. I just can't pick it out from everything else.
chris denbow: we have an issue with talking without tones you know
Amanda Rose: Yea, I know.
Amanda Rose: But you don't have a phone to call with and I don't have the patients for it.
Amanda Rose: Patience*
chris denbow: I haven't had a phone for 2 days...
Amanda Rose: You mean Friday and Saturday?
chris denbow: since thursday afternoon
Amanda Rose: Ok... where were you Tuesday through Thursday morning? Cause I got to talk to you a little bit Tuesday morning after they put the pic line in but that was it. And I was texting you quite freuantly
chris denbow: working from 11 am to 11 pm
Amanda Rose: And if I get upset and frustrated because I don't hear from you for more than a day it's because I have a lot going on and really need someone who actually cares.
Amanda Rose: Cause my family has done nothing but show just how much they don't care. Aside from my aunt, as scary as that is. Usually she's a bitch, but with everyone else bieng assholes she's been pretty awesome.
Amanda Rose: I got my ass chewed last night cause everyone waited for me to get to the table for dinner, I had to go back downstairs for my stomach meds just so I could eat, and dad got mad saying that they're always waiting for me for dinner an he's sick of it.
Amanda Rose: When I've been too sick to eat anything for a month almost
chris denbow: I'm sorry
Amanda Rose: I've had dinner with them three times in that amount of time. That's it.
chris denbow: your dad's an ass , simple as that
Amanda Rose: So is everyone else in my life lately.
Amanda Rose: And don't get offended by that, you're the one who said you were being an ass yesterday.
chris denbow: I'm now
chris denbow: not*
Amanda Rose: ok
Amanda Rose: Aside from a few online friends I have that is. They've been really amazing and are great at listening and give their thoughts on things and just make me feel better.
chris denbow: can I make a suggestion on something
Amanda Rose: Sure
chris denbow: tell me what's going on instead of waiting for me to ask
chris denbow: half the time I'm not sure what to ask about
chris denbow: I'm adhd, my mind is everywhere
Amanda Rose: Chris, I wait to see if you care
Amanda Rose: So am I, and I still manage to ask how you're doing
chris denbow: I do ask and all I get is a short response
Amanda Rose: You rarely ask Chris
chris denbow: ok, and when I do I get a sentence maybe 2 and that's it
chris denbow: I have no idea whats going on besides the pic line and you not eating
Amanda Rose: How are you doing is different from How did your day go
Amanda Rose: How I'm doing will always be a short answer. How your day went will usually be a lot of me bitching about my day because nothing good is going on in life right now
chris denbow: so I have to be specific?
Amanda Rose: How you're doing sounds like you're asking about my emotional state
Amanda Rose: Generally if you want someone to know what you're talking about or asking
chris denbow: if I ask how your doing, I mean in general, with everything
chris denbow: not just at that point in time emotionally
Amanda Rose: How am I supposed to know that? I can't read your mind hun
chris denbow: and I can't read yorus
chris denbow: how was I supposed to know I had to ask it differently for more of a response
Amanda Rose: We've talked about this more than once babe...
chris denbow: not how to ask you we haven't
Amanda Rose: Yes, we have.
chris denbow: fine, you're right
Amanda Rose: -sighs-
chris denbow: what?
Amanda Rose: I'm trying really hard not to start crying again
chris denbow: *sighs* why do you put up with me? really? and don't give me the same because I love you line
Amanda Rose: But that's exactly why I put up with you
Amanda Rose: If I didn't love you I would have left weeks ago when you said you were jealous of the baby
chris denbow: and have I been acting jealous of our kid?
chris denbow: your* guess I shouldn't say our...
( I was instantly crying when I read that he said our. )
Amanda Rose: I wouldn't know... you've never brought it up... or called it ours...
Amanda Rose: kinda in shock over that
chris denbow: you want to know why I haven't talked much? the real reason?
Amanda Rose: Please
chris denbow: because the last 2 weeks alone, I've spent 85% of my time making money
chris denbow: I'm utterly exhausted and emotionally shot besides of what I feel for you
chris denbow: I have about 300 put back right now
chris denbow: for the baby
chris denbow: surprise...
Amanda Rose: -swats then hugs tightly- You doofus! Why do you have to wait until I'm emotionally fed up to tell me things like that?
chris denbow: because it was supposed to be a surprise...
chris denbow: like look what I did babe, but look where that went
Amanda Rose: Why do you have to wait until I'm emotionally fed up to tell me anything?
Amanda Rose: You tell me that I should just tell you what's going on and not wait for you to ask, but you don't do the same with me
chris denbow: because you would stress more over me
chris denbow: and don't tell me you wouldn't, because we both know you would
Amanda Rose: Baby... I stress less knowing what's going on
Amanda Rose: Right now, the stress of not knowing what's going on it WAY worse than the stress of knowing would be any da
chris denbow: sorry
chris denbow: see, I'm messed up...like royally
Amanda Rose: -sighs- You stupid silly man -smiles and kisses softly- I will always love you babe, I always have, that's why I stay. As much as my head says I'm stupid, my heart can't let go.
Amanda Rose: You can be really amazing when you try
Amanda Rose: Like you were in the begining
Amanda Rose: I stay because I hope for us to get back to that point
Amanda Rose: Because that was the happiest time of my life
chris denbow: I know, but it's hard when I'm trying to get things going to support you two
Amanda Rose: One thing at a time babe
Amanda Rose: I can't easily move down there, but if I get my disability I can get a place up here... and if you're willing to move.. we'd have a place
chris denbow: who said the money was for you to move here?
chris denbow: the money is for the baby
chris denbow: not to sound like an ass about it...
Amanda Rose: I didn't mean it that way
Amanda Rose: I didn't mean for you to spend the money you have saved
chris denbow: I'm not going to, I'm telling you that I've been getting the money for the baby
Amanda Rose: That statement was about disability
chris denbow: ok
Amanda Rose: I get back pay for almost three years if they accept it
chris denbow: ok
chris denbow: well, I'm sorry but I need to get some sleep, I'm exhausted
Amanda Rose: I want to get a car, and possibly a trailer or small place. Three years of back pay is a good amount of money
Amanda Rose: and ok, get some sleep baby. I love you
chris denbow: I love you too, and I'm sorry
Amanda Rose: One thing though
chris denbow: yes?
Amanda Rose: You can't go until I get a little affection
chris denbow: thats so not fair lol
Amanda Rose: How is that not fair? I kissed you, you never kissed back
Amanda Rose: and I hugged you too without a response
chris denbow: ok, I see the hug
Amanda Rose: I kissed you when I said I loved you and I always have
chris denbow: I didn't see the kiss without the first -, the words mixed together
chris denbow: *kisses and cuddles* come lay with me
Amanda Rose: -kisses back and curls up against your chest- You know, you don't have to act like an ass to cover up, I already know deep down you're a teddy bear
chris denbow: ?
Amanda Rose: It was a joke
chris denbow: oh
chris denbow: brat
Amanda Rose: that's why I added the face
chris denbow: >.> told you I'm tired
Amanda Rose: And I'm your brat so shut up and love me!
chris denbow: I do love you
Amanda Rose: Show it D< lol
chris denbow: demanding it wont get it
chris denbow: takes the meaning out of it
Amanda Rose: -rolls my eyes playfully- Shut up and kiss me -holds your face in my hands and kisses deeply-
chris denbow: *kisses back, holding you*
Amanda Rose: -smiles- this is what I needed...
Amanda Rose: Some real cuddling time would be nice, but this is enough to get me by until I can have that.
Amanda Rose: And it's the quickest way to defuse my anger
chris denbow: good to know
Amanda Rose: I love you baby and I know you love me, I just wish we could focus on that more.
Amanda Rose: We're so wrapped up in all the shit around us we stopped taking that little bit of time for each other
Amanda Rose: and I miss and crave that more than anything
chris denbow: yes, but you do realize you made it all out on me?
Amanda Rose: How many times have I told you that I know it's not just you?
chris denbow: I know, but reread everything since last night
Amanda Rose: It looks like you're not trying and I've been actively trying to make things better
Amanda Rose: How am I supposed to feel?
Amanda Rose: And yes, now I'm getting defensive
Amanda Rose: I don't know what you're doing anymore, or what you're thinking. I get silence. No matter how many times I text and you can't tell me you don't get any of my texts because there are days I never have to resend for you to get something
chris denbow: I honestly have no idea about my phone
chris denbow: apparently a friend of mine has tried to call and they never go through
chris denbow: I get random voicemails from him
Amanda Rose: I just have a question though, slightly off topic
Amanda Rose: Why does your landlord randomly come over?
Amanda Rose: And why so often?
chris denbow: because the house I have I'm helping fix up
chris denbow: it's how I got out of the security deposit
Amanda Rose: -nods-
chris denbow: so her and her son come to help and check on things
Amanda Rose: I really hate when I get stories in bits and peices babe, from now on can you tell me everything at once?
Amanda Rose: It just makes it easier for me to understand things
chris denbow: ok, but I didn't think me fixing up the house really mattered
Amanda Rose: and I don't have to sit here wondering cause my brain never comes up with good scenarios
Amanda Rose: Everything matters....
chris denbow: Ah, I get it now
Amanda Rose: What do you mean?
chris denbow: never a good scenario, I can only imagine what you thought
Amanda Rose: I thought you were lying to me.
Amanda Rose: When my father lies he adds a little more to the story every time he talks about it. I can't stand it. I've explained that before.
chris denbow: yeah I know
Amanda Rose: And everything matters
chris denbow: ok
Amanda Rose: I'm not one of those girlfriends who only cares about certain things or only wants to hear about the big stuff
Amanda Rose: I like listening babe
Amanda Rose: I will almost never tell you to shut up cause you're talking too much
chris denbow: ok
Amanda Rose: -kisses- You're starting to give me short answers, go to bed
chris denbow: *kisses* alright baby
Amanda Rose: -curls up tight to your chest- I'm an idiot, but I love you anyways.
chris denbow: *holds you* an idiot how?
Amanda Rose: I had every intention of staying away and taking longer to think and I couldn't do it
chris denbow: how does that make you an idiot?
Amanda Rose: Because my brain was made up, my heart wasn't
chris denbow: ah
Amanda Rose: Truth is... I miss you like crazy when you're gone
Amanda Rose: even when you're being mean
chris denbow: I'm sorry
Amanda Rose: -kisses- Go to bed, we can talk more later. I need a small nap too
chris denbow: *kisses* ok, I love you
Amanda Rose: -kisses back- I wish you could see how I smile when you say it first -hugs tightly- I love you too baby
chris denbow is typing...
chris denbow: night hun
Amanda Rose: night
He's an asshole, but in the end I'm still in love with his stupid ass. I know why I stay now... because I still get brief moments of the way things used to be and I still hope we can get back to that some day.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Perhaps the last arguement I'll ever have with him...
Amanda Rose: So I'm guessing your phone works just fine
chris denbow: no, my phone got shut off
chris denbow: I'm on the comp
Amanda Rose: Calls go through, get a full set of rings and then voicemail. Not what shut off phones do.
chris denbow: my phone hasn't rang once, not one text message
chris denbow: I can't call out
chris denbow: no data connection
Amanda Rose: -shrugs-
chris denbow: but ok, nice to see you don't believe me about that
Amanda Rose: I never said I didn't believe you, I'm just sick of it being one things after another
chris denbow: ok, well, nothing I can do about it right now, it's either rent or my phone bill
Amanda Rose: Understandable
chris denbow: I might just go back to a prepay phone as soon as I can
Amanda Rose: ok
Amanda Rose: straight talk is pretty good
chris denbow: yeah, so I've heard, I'll look around
Amanda Rose: ok
chris denbow: brb
Amanda Rose: ok
Amanda Rose: Just out of mild curiosity, when did your phone get shut off?
chris denbow: a couple days ago
Amanda Rose: A message sooner would have been nice...
chris denbow: I was just able to get on
Amanda Rose: You have a laptop, how are you just now able to get on?
chris denbow: not a laptop
chris denbow: desktop
Amanda Rose: Whatever
Amanda Rose: it still has internet
Amanda Rose: Or did that suddenly disapear too?
chris denbow: I was on yesterday and I didn't see you on when I was
chris denbow: granted I had slept most the day because of work
Amanda Rose: And you can't leave an offline message?
Amanda Rose: I'm sorry if I'm being bitchy, but I'm under enough stress without having to worry about why you've all of a sudden disapeared.
chris denbow: I'd rather tell you when we're both on then an offline message
Amanda Rose: Then in that case, you will have to deal with me being a bitch.
chris denbow: fine
Amanda Rose: You scared the shit out of me
chris denbow: I'm sorry, I didnt mean to
chris denbow: just haven't been on the comp much
Amanda Rose: What did you think would happen Chris?
Amanda Rose: Being someone who's dealt with me running, you should know how it would have made me feel.
Amanda Rose: It's become painfully obvious that you only have time for everything else going on in your life, and that's fine, if you don't want this relationship to work.
chris denbow: I do, I was working and sleeping, sorry I didn't get on and tell you, I really am sorry
Amanda Rose: Babe.... that's all I get though...
Amanda Rose: You saying sorry but nothing changing
chris denbow: I can't do much about my job right now
Amanda Rose: If you need time to fix your life then just say so. I can give you space, I can leave. Just tell me what you need cause I'm sick of everything I try blowing up in my face
chris denbow: I don't need space
Amanda Rose: Then what do you need?
chris denbow: a new job
Amanda Rose: Because if you can't be here for me now when I need you most, how can I expect you to be here in the future?
chris denbow: I'm trying to be here, but all you see is I'm not
chris denbow: not the fact my boss is being a douche about scheduling
Amanda Rose: I wouldn't see that, now would I? You never talk to me.
chris denbow: I've tried telling you that
chris denbow: I told you all I really do is work and sleep
chris denbow: I'm on when I can be because of him
chris denbow: he has me work 1-
chris denbow: gah
chris denbow: 10 pm to 7 am friday through sunday, then has me work during the day tuesday wednesday and then 10 pm to 2 am on thursday
chris denbow: its not that I don't want to be on or talk to you, I'm just exhausted
Amanda Rose: Then focus on work and sleep.
chris denbow: no
Amanda Rose: That's what you're doing now Chris. And I'm starting to get used to it.
chris denbow: I'm not trying to focus on that
chris denbow: I'm stressed, exhausted, and I've honestly had some stupid thoughts lately
Amanda Rose: You may not be trying too, but that's what you're doing. So I'm done fighting for time and twiddling my thumbs.
chris denbow: so we're breaking up now?
Amanda Rose: I didn't say that.
Amanda Rose: And you wanna hear stressed?
chris denbow: I know you are too
chris denbow: I never said mine was worse
Amanda Rose: I have a fucking tube in my arm and chest! My dad almost died!
chris denbow: how's your dad doing?
Amanda Rose: My family is fucking falling apart and tearing each other open in the process
Amanda Rose: and the one person I depend on to be there for me is never there anymore
Amanda Rose: Nver shows he cares, never asks about anything until I bring it up and never gives that affection he claims he needs so badly from me
chris denbow: I'll brb, need food
Amanda Rose: That's it, I'm done.
Amanda Rose: Fix your life and decide what you really want. If you decide that that's still me, and you can actually be there and a part of it, then message me.
Amanda Rose: I'm having a baby, I need someone I can rely on, who can be an active part of our lives. I don't need to sit here stressed because I don't hear from you. I have too much on my plate already.
chris denbow: I'm going to get some food and calm down before I say something really stupid
chris denbow: so I will be back in a few
Amanda Rose: I won't be online.
Amanda Rose: And if I am, I won't respond. I meant what I said.
chris denbow: really? so you are going to say that and leave when I'm right here trying to talk to you? yet bitch that I'm not doing anything?
Amanda Rose: I try to do stuff mid discussion/arguement and you get pissed and tell me not to run away from you. What the hell do you call it when you do it?
Amanda Rose: I'm done talking and NOTHING changing
chris denbow: I'm not running away, I'm getting some damn food
chris denbow: I'm hungry and haven't eaten since tuesday
Amanda Rose: I'm done CRYING MY EYES OUT cause you can't take the time to respond to me 98% of the time
Amanda Rose: I doubt that Christopher
chris denbow: I really haven't
Amanda Rose: I go two days without food and have to be hospitalized
Amanda Rose: Trust me, I know. It's been done FOUR TIMES IN TWO WEEKS
chris denbow: because of the BABY
Amanda Rose: That's why I have a fucking tube in my arm.
chris denbow: that's why
Amanda Rose: How would you know, you don't care to ask.
Amanda Rose: Good night. Go get your food. I'm done with talks that go no where.
chris denbow: wow
Amanda Rose: Don't wow me.
chris denbow: I jsut did
chris denbow: doesn't matter I'm here now
chris denbow: no, it's all what's already past
chris denbow: that's all that ever matters to people
Amanda Rose: Why should it? I get to sit here and wonder if you'll go silent tomorrow.
Amanda Rose: Nothing changes
Amanda Rose: you get better for two days and then leave me in silence again
chris denbow: because of work
Amanda Rose: I'll gladly show you blog posts that prove it cause I bitch about it all the time
chris denbow: nothing I can really do about work
Amanda Rose: Work never stopped you before
Amanda Rose: I know you get breaks
Amanda Rose: you can't send a quick message? "Hey miss you"
chris denbow: I am a shift leader overnight, I can't leave the store
chris denbow: and I have
Amanda Rose: Bullshit
Amanda Rose: no ones phone only sucks for ONE CONTACT
chris denbow: it's not just you
Amanda Rose: You're the one who tells me it works just fine for everyone else
chris denbow: I found that out the other day
Amanda Rose: And I have conversations for that too
Amanda Rose: Thanks for the update!
Amanda Rose: You don't think that's something your girlfriend would like to know?!
chris denbow: kinda hard to tell you that when all you want to do is snap at me
chris denbow: I'm trying to defend myself against an onslaught of what's going on with you
chris denbow: and how you feel about me being an asshole and everything else
Amanda Rose: All I'm upset at you for is the shit you're doing
Amanda Rose: not for everything else going on in my life
chris denbow: and I'm trying to fix it
chris denbow: but I don't message you for a day and you flip
Amanda Rose: In four months we've done nothing but go further and further down hill no matter how much we talk
chris denbow: I don't hold it against you, yet you hold everything against me
Amanda Rose: and it wasn't a day you jackass I haven't heard from you since TUESDAY
Amanda Rose: it's SATURDAY
chris denbow: I was saying in general
chris denbow: this is what I'm talking about
chris denbow: I'm not cussing at you, I'm not calling you names
chris denbow: give me the same decency
Amanda Rose: You're right, you're doing nothing wrong and I'm just a bitch. I tell you want, I'll make your life easier. You no longer have to deal with me being a bitch for no reason.
chris denbow: Stop
chris denbow: I didnt say that
chris denbow: nor implied it
Amanda Rose: That's how you come across
Amanda Rose: every time
chris denbow: I'm saying stop cussing and calling me names
Amanda Rose: You said I blame you for everyhing
Amanda Rose: I only see the bad
Amanda Rose: that's because there are rarely good moment anymore
Amanda Rose: the bad are slowly out weighing all the good
Amanda Rose: and I can't take that anymore
chris denbow: then why are you ehre
chris denbow: if it's all bad as you make it, why are you here
chris denbow: because the only real problem is the not talking
Amanda Rose: I've been asking myself that for a month and I keep telling myself it's because I'm still head over heals in love with you
chris denbow: yet you can call me every name under the sun?
Amanda Rose: I called you a jackass
chris denbow: and?
Amanda Rose: how is that every name under the sun?
chris denbow: there's been more then just jackass
Amanda Rose: I'm done.
chris denbow: no, stop
chris denbow: do you realize that you called me good for nothing before?
Amanda Rose: I've been through every conversation we've ever had in the last week, and no I haven't.
chris denbow: in the last week, no
Amanda Rose: I WENT THROUGH TEHM ALL
chris denbow: do you have every conversation before that?
Amanda Rose: you don't listen to me
chris denbow: No, look at what you said
Amanda Rose: I have all of them since November
chris denbow: through every conversation we've ever had in the last week
chris denbow: that's what you said
chris denbow: so don't get pissy at me because of what you typed
Amanda Rose: So I forgot a fucking comma my bad
Amanda Rose: I'm done argueing with you cause you're always right and I'm always a bitch.
chris denbow: ok, and now I realise I misread
chris denbow: my fault
Amanda Rose: I can't do this anyore Chris....
chris denbow: one more chance is all I ask
chris denbow: if I can't do what needs to be done, I won't hold it against you
chris denbow: just one more chance....please...
Amanda Rose: How can you hold it against me now? I'm already trying everything I can
chris denbow: I'm not holding it against you
chris denbow: I'm just saying
chris denbow: I really want to talk to you and fix my mistakes in this
Amanda Rose: How many times have you told me that we could fix things, that you could fix things?
Amanda Rose: I can't be strong enough for all three of us Chris, I'm barely strong enough to keep me and baby going
chris denbow: I know, just give me one more chance to be who I should be again
chris denbow is typing...
chris denbow: brb, landlord is here
Amanda Rose: I have to think about it... I'll talk to you later
I signed out because I can't handle this right now. Idk if I can give him another shot or not... Maybe letting him sit and be scared a while would be good. But I still don't know what the hell to do right now...
chris denbow: no, my phone got shut off
chris denbow: I'm on the comp
Amanda Rose: Calls go through, get a full set of rings and then voicemail. Not what shut off phones do.
chris denbow: my phone hasn't rang once, not one text message
chris denbow: I can't call out
chris denbow: no data connection
Amanda Rose: -shrugs-
chris denbow: but ok, nice to see you don't believe me about that
Amanda Rose: I never said I didn't believe you, I'm just sick of it being one things after another
chris denbow: ok, well, nothing I can do about it right now, it's either rent or my phone bill
Amanda Rose: Understandable
chris denbow: I might just go back to a prepay phone as soon as I can
Amanda Rose: ok
Amanda Rose: straight talk is pretty good
chris denbow: yeah, so I've heard, I'll look around
Amanda Rose: ok
chris denbow: brb
Amanda Rose: ok
Amanda Rose: Just out of mild curiosity, when did your phone get shut off?
chris denbow: a couple days ago
Amanda Rose: A message sooner would have been nice...
chris denbow: I was just able to get on
Amanda Rose: You have a laptop, how are you just now able to get on?
chris denbow: not a laptop
chris denbow: desktop
Amanda Rose: Whatever
Amanda Rose: it still has internet
Amanda Rose: Or did that suddenly disapear too?
chris denbow: I was on yesterday and I didn't see you on when I was
chris denbow: granted I had slept most the day because of work
Amanda Rose: And you can't leave an offline message?
Amanda Rose: I'm sorry if I'm being bitchy, but I'm under enough stress without having to worry about why you've all of a sudden disapeared.
chris denbow: I'd rather tell you when we're both on then an offline message
Amanda Rose: Then in that case, you will have to deal with me being a bitch.
chris denbow: fine
Amanda Rose: You scared the shit out of me
chris denbow: I'm sorry, I didnt mean to
chris denbow: just haven't been on the comp much
Amanda Rose: What did you think would happen Chris?
Amanda Rose: Being someone who's dealt with me running, you should know how it would have made me feel.
Amanda Rose: It's become painfully obvious that you only have time for everything else going on in your life, and that's fine, if you don't want this relationship to work.
chris denbow: I do, I was working and sleeping, sorry I didn't get on and tell you, I really am sorry
Amanda Rose: Babe.... that's all I get though...
Amanda Rose: You saying sorry but nothing changing
chris denbow: I can't do much about my job right now
Amanda Rose: If you need time to fix your life then just say so. I can give you space, I can leave. Just tell me what you need cause I'm sick of everything I try blowing up in my face
chris denbow: I don't need space
Amanda Rose: Then what do you need?
chris denbow: a new job
Amanda Rose: Because if you can't be here for me now when I need you most, how can I expect you to be here in the future?
chris denbow: I'm trying to be here, but all you see is I'm not
chris denbow: not the fact my boss is being a douche about scheduling
Amanda Rose: I wouldn't see that, now would I? You never talk to me.
chris denbow: I've tried telling you that
chris denbow: I told you all I really do is work and sleep
chris denbow: I'm on when I can be because of him
chris denbow: he has me work 1-
chris denbow: gah
chris denbow: 10 pm to 7 am friday through sunday, then has me work during the day tuesday wednesday and then 10 pm to 2 am on thursday
chris denbow: its not that I don't want to be on or talk to you, I'm just exhausted
Amanda Rose: Then focus on work and sleep.
chris denbow: no
Amanda Rose: That's what you're doing now Chris. And I'm starting to get used to it.
chris denbow: I'm not trying to focus on that
chris denbow: I'm stressed, exhausted, and I've honestly had some stupid thoughts lately
Amanda Rose: You may not be trying too, but that's what you're doing. So I'm done fighting for time and twiddling my thumbs.
chris denbow: so we're breaking up now?
Amanda Rose: I didn't say that.
Amanda Rose: And you wanna hear stressed?
chris denbow: I know you are too
chris denbow: I never said mine was worse
Amanda Rose: I have a fucking tube in my arm and chest! My dad almost died!
chris denbow: how's your dad doing?
Amanda Rose: My family is fucking falling apart and tearing each other open in the process
Amanda Rose: and the one person I depend on to be there for me is never there anymore
Amanda Rose: Nver shows he cares, never asks about anything until I bring it up and never gives that affection he claims he needs so badly from me
chris denbow: I'll brb, need food
Amanda Rose: That's it, I'm done.
Amanda Rose: Fix your life and decide what you really want. If you decide that that's still me, and you can actually be there and a part of it, then message me.
Amanda Rose: I'm having a baby, I need someone I can rely on, who can be an active part of our lives. I don't need to sit here stressed because I don't hear from you. I have too much on my plate already.
chris denbow: I'm going to get some food and calm down before I say something really stupid
chris denbow: so I will be back in a few
Amanda Rose: I won't be online.
Amanda Rose: And if I am, I won't respond. I meant what I said.
chris denbow: really? so you are going to say that and leave when I'm right here trying to talk to you? yet bitch that I'm not doing anything?
Amanda Rose: I try to do stuff mid discussion/arguement and you get pissed and tell me not to run away from you. What the hell do you call it when you do it?
Amanda Rose: I'm done talking and NOTHING changing
chris denbow: I'm not running away, I'm getting some damn food
chris denbow: I'm hungry and haven't eaten since tuesday
Amanda Rose: I'm done CRYING MY EYES OUT cause you can't take the time to respond to me 98% of the time
Amanda Rose: I doubt that Christopher
chris denbow: I really haven't
Amanda Rose: I go two days without food and have to be hospitalized
Amanda Rose: Trust me, I know. It's been done FOUR TIMES IN TWO WEEKS
chris denbow: because of the BABY
Amanda Rose: That's why I have a fucking tube in my arm.
chris denbow: that's why
Amanda Rose: How would you know, you don't care to ask.
Amanda Rose: Good night. Go get your food. I'm done with talks that go no where.
chris denbow: wow
Amanda Rose: Don't wow me.
chris denbow: I jsut did
chris denbow: doesn't matter I'm here now
chris denbow: no, it's all what's already past
chris denbow: that's all that ever matters to people
Amanda Rose: Why should it? I get to sit here and wonder if you'll go silent tomorrow.
Amanda Rose: Nothing changes
Amanda Rose: you get better for two days and then leave me in silence again
chris denbow: because of work
Amanda Rose: I'll gladly show you blog posts that prove it cause I bitch about it all the time
chris denbow: nothing I can really do about work
Amanda Rose: Work never stopped you before
Amanda Rose: I know you get breaks
Amanda Rose: you can't send a quick message? "Hey miss you"
chris denbow: I am a shift leader overnight, I can't leave the store
chris denbow: and I have
Amanda Rose: Bullshit
Amanda Rose: no ones phone only sucks for ONE CONTACT
chris denbow: it's not just you
Amanda Rose: You're the one who tells me it works just fine for everyone else
chris denbow: I found that out the other day
Amanda Rose: And I have conversations for that too
Amanda Rose: Thanks for the update!
Amanda Rose: You don't think that's something your girlfriend would like to know?!
chris denbow: kinda hard to tell you that when all you want to do is snap at me
chris denbow: I'm trying to defend myself against an onslaught of what's going on with you
chris denbow: and how you feel about me being an asshole and everything else
Amanda Rose: All I'm upset at you for is the shit you're doing
Amanda Rose: not for everything else going on in my life
chris denbow: and I'm trying to fix it
chris denbow: but I don't message you for a day and you flip
Amanda Rose: In four months we've done nothing but go further and further down hill no matter how much we talk
chris denbow: I don't hold it against you, yet you hold everything against me
Amanda Rose: and it wasn't a day you jackass I haven't heard from you since TUESDAY
Amanda Rose: it's SATURDAY
chris denbow: I was saying in general
chris denbow: this is what I'm talking about
chris denbow: I'm not cussing at you, I'm not calling you names
chris denbow: give me the same decency
Amanda Rose: You're right, you're doing nothing wrong and I'm just a bitch. I tell you want, I'll make your life easier. You no longer have to deal with me being a bitch for no reason.
chris denbow: Stop
chris denbow: I didnt say that
chris denbow: nor implied it
Amanda Rose: That's how you come across
Amanda Rose: every time
chris denbow: I'm saying stop cussing and calling me names
Amanda Rose: You said I blame you for everyhing
Amanda Rose: I only see the bad
Amanda Rose: that's because there are rarely good moment anymore
Amanda Rose: the bad are slowly out weighing all the good
Amanda Rose: and I can't take that anymore
chris denbow: then why are you ehre
chris denbow: if it's all bad as you make it, why are you here
chris denbow: because the only real problem is the not talking
Amanda Rose: I've been asking myself that for a month and I keep telling myself it's because I'm still head over heals in love with you
chris denbow: yet you can call me every name under the sun?
Amanda Rose: I called you a jackass
chris denbow: and?
Amanda Rose: how is that every name under the sun?
chris denbow: there's been more then just jackass
Amanda Rose: I'm done.
chris denbow: no, stop
chris denbow: do you realize that you called me good for nothing before?
Amanda Rose: I've been through every conversation we've ever had in the last week, and no I haven't.
chris denbow: in the last week, no
Amanda Rose: I WENT THROUGH TEHM ALL
chris denbow: do you have every conversation before that?
Amanda Rose: you don't listen to me
chris denbow: No, look at what you said
Amanda Rose: I have all of them since November
chris denbow: through every conversation we've ever had in the last week
chris denbow: that's what you said
chris denbow: so don't get pissy at me because of what you typed
Amanda Rose: So I forgot a fucking comma my bad
Amanda Rose: I'm done argueing with you cause you're always right and I'm always a bitch.
chris denbow: ok, and now I realise I misread
chris denbow: my fault
Amanda Rose: I can't do this anyore Chris....
chris denbow: one more chance is all I ask
chris denbow: if I can't do what needs to be done, I won't hold it against you
chris denbow: just one more chance....please...
Amanda Rose: How can you hold it against me now? I'm already trying everything I can
chris denbow: I'm not holding it against you
chris denbow: I'm just saying
chris denbow: I really want to talk to you and fix my mistakes in this
Amanda Rose: How many times have you told me that we could fix things, that you could fix things?
Amanda Rose: I can't be strong enough for all three of us Chris, I'm barely strong enough to keep me and baby going
chris denbow: I know, just give me one more chance to be who I should be again
chris denbow is typing...
chris denbow: brb, landlord is here
Amanda Rose: I have to think about it... I'll talk to you later
I signed out because I can't handle this right now. Idk if I can give him another shot or not... Maybe letting him sit and be scared a while would be good. But I still don't know what the hell to do right now...
The final straw
I haven't heard from Chris since Tuesday. I text him a few times a day and nothing. He isn't on messenger with him phone at all either, which is usually on 24/7. And when I called his phone it rang 3 times and went to voice mail. Maybe he made my decision for me... Fuck, for all I know he's been reading my blog and saw the mention of Jeff and up and left. I don't fucking know. But if this is how he chooses to leave, than I'm done. Period. If he doesn't even have enough of a set to talk to me about it then what the fuck have I been doing trying so hard to make this damn relationship work!? I'm done... right now I don't want to be in a relationship at all. I don't want to deal with it. I want a guy who actually gives a shit and shows it. But the more I look the more I find that they don't exist. All life is doing to me right now is proving that everyone lies and everyone leaves at some point.
And to top it all off I just lost my volunteer job on Ernya cause I've been so sick and didn't get things done in time. I'm in shock I'm not crying. Sadly, I'm past that point. Idk how many people know the point I speak of, but the easiest way to put it is that I'm so depressed I can't cry. Not that it would help me anyways.
And to top it all off I just lost my volunteer job on Ernya cause I've been so sick and didn't get things done in time. I'm in shock I'm not crying. Sadly, I'm past that point. Idk how many people know the point I speak of, but the easiest way to put it is that I'm so depressed I can't cry. Not that it would help me anyways.
Friday, May 4, 2012
OMFG
I am so pissed I can't even begin to start this message. It will have to wait until I calm down a bit.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Not for those with a weak stomach. =/
 |
| May 1st. First day with the PIC line. Bruises from failed attempts to hit a vain. |
 |
| May 3rd. Bruises looking epic. |
Busy week, almost to a close.
So I had my disability hearing on Monday, doctor on Tuesday with IV fluids and antibiotics. Antibiotics and fluids yesterday and today, then I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Just... CRAZY! And I'm SUPER behind on recolors and I feel horrible. So I'm going to give more details on my week later tonight, I really want to get this stuff down and it won't be easy. T_T -dreads panic moo-
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
SURPRISE!!!!
BABY BUMP!!!!
Maternity pants are the single most comfortable thing my ass has ever been in. ;)
An end to the needles, but not the puking. =/
Alright, went into the ER on Saturday for IV antibiotics cause I couldn't keep mine down. They gave me something new and I had an alergic reaction to it so went back in and hour and a half after leaving. Joy. -_- Yesterday I went to my disability hearing, and that went well. I'll know in a month whether or not a qualify for SSI. Today, I went into the hospital to get my PIC line put in and start my new dosing of fluids. Yay. T_T
The PIC line hurt, even with lidocane. But now no more needles for the next month. YAY! But I'm super behind on recolors and really need a nap so I'm going to finish updating everyone later and get some sleep. Love you all!
PS. I got a Boppy pregnancy pillow and it is amazing. <3
The PIC line hurt, even with lidocane. But now no more needles for the next month. YAY! But I'm super behind on recolors and really need a nap so I'm going to finish updating everyone later and get some sleep. Love you all!
PS. I got a Boppy pregnancy pillow and it is amazing. <3
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