Sickly Update

So due to being unable to eat for two days, and most liquids including water not staying down either, I spent five hours in the hospital yesterday with an IV in my left elbow. I can't stand needles, I'm a weeny when it comes to pain. I truly am. Especially when my veins play hide and seek the minute the needle it out. No joke.

The first nurse tied the blue stretchy band around my right arm above my elbow and had the veins sticking out just fine. Cleaned it with an alcohol wipes and turned around to get the needle to start the IV. When she turned around my vein was gone. She tried, and couldn't get that vein in the least. So we tried the top of my left hand, because one of the veins was easy to spot. She cleaned it and everything and started with the needle and was close to the vein and had to stop because I was bawling in pain. I'm a weeny.

Finally, they made me wait 20 minutes while I suck down some water thinking that it was because of my dehydration and then a second nurse came in. She tried the vein in my left elbow. Hit it without a problem and with little pain. However! When she tried to get the stopper and needle tip out of the tube that stays in your vein, it got stuck. I bled EVERYWHERE. There was a rectangle cloth under my elbow and we filled a nice spot of it with my blood. And the nurse is worried that I'm panicking. xD

"It's not as bad as it looks, I swear!"

... "Blood doesn't bother me."

"Oh thank goodness."

LOL


**Just a side note, I thought I had mentioned this but apparently not. The IV fluids took four and a half hours counting the time it took to get the IV in and they put a full liter in me. Which I found makes your bladder really touchy, whether you feel you have to pee or not. Thank you Pregnancy! -_-

I'm a sympathetic vomit-er, cry-er, you name it. But the site of blood does nothing to me. Mind you, if I smell or taste the iron in it I will puke instantly. And the next person that says "Oh, you mean like Bella from Twilight?" is getting slapped. No. As in Bella from Twilight is like me. I've been like that since I was six. Last I checked the Twilight books came out in 2000-something. I was six in 1997. And frankly, was a shitty reader.

Speaking of books Dee has my library book and new heels. xD

*Random thought over*

Anyways, I was doing good when I got home, was even hungry for a salad which my mom took me to walmart to get. Got home and shortly after dad started being a dickhead. Not to me, to Hunter. (The oldest of my two little brothers) Who has a learning disability and struggles with school. Dad promised him two full weeks to show improvement or he would "make his life hell" as my father put it. He gave him four days.

Now, what started my stress was when I went into mom and dad's bedroom while they were lecturing Hunter. With as much as I've had ear infections you'd think I'd be capable of putting drops properly in my own ears by now, sadly I am not. I can't figure out how many drops I put in without seeing them go in cause i can never feel exactly how many I've done.

So I'm laying on mom's bed, minding my own business sitting with drops in my left ear. So I'm not even facing what's going on. Everyone is to my back and I'm staring out a window. Next thing I know my dad is talking to Hunter about how I'm "Three shakes from being thrown out on my ass" so he shouldn't feel so sorry for himself. I ignored it and let it roll off my shoulders. I've been keeping my nose clean and helping around the house when I'm not puking my guts up and everyone seems to acknowledged that but dad. To him, I'm still a lazy, worthless, free loader; and he's made sure I understand that.

What got me mad is that ten minutes later he starts with this "I don't know how with my intelligence I got landed with two worthless kids who completely fucked up their lives." Again, WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS WITH LIQUID IN MY EAR. After he said that I got and left, saying "I'm not going to sit here and be bullied when I'm not even a part of this conversation and have been sick in bed for two days without the ability to even remotely do anything against you." If I've done something to deserve being talked down too, and i know I have, then I will sit there and take it like an adult. But if I even remotely feel like someone is being unfair you best believe by blunt mouth will make it apparent real quick.

What does he say as I leave?

"Oh shut the fuck up, you still owe me money!"

Correction, my friend owes you money, jackass. Money for gas because I had to drive his drunk ass home. Money I can't collect until someone lets me borrow a vehicle and no one will do that. So until he lets me use his car to collect the gas money, he isn't going to get it. And I respectfully explained that to him several days ago.

Later on that night after I had stormed out of his room and went down stairs, my brother comes down stairs. Bawling his eyes out. What's the first thing he asks me? "Does dad really hate me?" If I hadn't been more concerned with calming him down and making him see that dad was wrong and that he wasn't I failure I would have gone up stairs and slapped my father.

I grew up being told I was worthless, fucked up and a disgrace to my father. I believed he hated me. That's why I left at 17 and moved from Texas to Wisconsin with my grandparents. I just had the unfortunate luck of them moving back in with my grandparents and myself two years later. I swore to myself I would do everything I could to keep my brothers from feeling the way I did growing up, last night killed me. Because it showed just how much I'm not keeping them from that. If I could support them I would fight for custody of my brothers, but the state would never allow it because I have no money. I'm disabled and can't work. Even if I get disability after my hearing on the 30th, it's not likely to sustain myself, my child and my two brothers. Which really fucking sucks!

My mom isn't so bad most the time. Sure, she can be selfish, and she makes us feel like a burden on her, but she isn't out right mean life dad is. I hate that man, I at least still love my mother.

Anyways, I should probably end this rant, I can't seem to work up an apatite, and my freeze pop is making me queezy, so I'm probably just working myself up too much. My goal for the day is to completely ignore my father. I want nothing to do with him. Maybe some day he'll understand that he's not the perfect one in the family who "does everything around the house" and "keeps everyone from steering into ice burgs" as he put it. I want to make a diagram of boat in the ocean, each with one of our names on it, and an ice burg in the middle with dad's name on it and show all the boats swimming like hell away from him. Cause that's what it's really like.

I'll tell you how tomorrow goes.