Fate is a cruel bitch...

Apparently Jeff wasn't paying attention when I first found out about the HPV because I brought it up tonight (because I had liquid nitrogen put on the warts today so they'll fall off) and he just... idk even know how to explain it. But now he says he needs time to figure things out and decide whether or not we can even give this a shot. This is the last thing I was expecting, and the last thing I needed to deal with. Chris hasn't even let the hpv hinder our relationship, and he's a bad bf. But Jeff... the one who's always been so great.... I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I feel like I either have to settle or be alone... Idk what to do...

Saw the baby doctor today.

Ok, so I'm four and a half months pregnant now. My morning sickness is still horrible, my lake of eating is still kind of high as is my fluids intake. Baby's heart rate is a little slow, but other than that baby is good. She's taking everything she needs from me. The only problem is she's leaving little for mommy.

I have now lost a total of 29lbs, weighing in at 201lbs today. I've been consistently dehydrated for about two and a half weeks, having been in the ER three times for IV fluids. I also got a sinus infection that turned into pneumonia; I'm still on antibiotics for that one. But because of the issues with my weight and everything else I now have to have a liter of IV fluids three times a week for the next month. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I get a pic line put in on Monday to make things easier.

As for Chris, things aren't improving. He has little fleeting moments, but that's it. And I'm about finished with it.

Next baby appointment is in two weeks and the next ultrasound is around that time also.

Shhh. It's a secret.

Ok, so Emy says we aren't allowed to tell anyone we're doing recolors for her; she wants the volunteers to be kept secret. I can live with that, sorta. I mean, two of my closest Ernya friends already know. (Starkeyy and ShadowWolf) but really, I need to complain about some of these items and this is the best way to do it.

Panic Moo; Don't even get me started. I have to have these all done by money for the five colors she wants done and this is the last set I'm doing so help me God.

Aquarius Kingdom is almost finished, as is Day dreamer. I only have 3 items for the first and 2 for the second to finish and then that item it done for the month. At least, the colors that have to be finished now. Sumptuous Baroque is half done and I haven't even started Twisted Shadows. Panic Moo is hard to line up to get the recolors done, Twisted Shadows just has a lot of complicated shit to do. Ugh.

Oh well, I have to get it done if I want to stay a volunteer and hope to get paid. xP It's only Ernya money, but hey, that's ok with me.

OMFG FUCK PANIC MOO

That's all I have to say. This item is a BITCH. It looks easy at first, until you start the work on it.

Must not get distracted.

So... I'm a horrible person. I know this because I'm still technically with Chris, but have started a relationship with an ex of mine. An ex that is just about everything I want in a guy and that has never really treated me badly. We broke up due to complications that weren't our fault. The only downside is he still lives in the one and only state I hate: Texas. And that's quite a ways away. I've known him a little longer than I've known Chris, and I've actually met him. Yea, I met him on GaiaOnline, same place I met Chris. But I've actually SEEN him. BEEN with him. Felt his gentle kiss and heard him whisper I love you in my ear. It was honestly the best part of last year, and it was nearly a year to the date. Mind you, we're off by a month, but it's only a month. I saw him last May and it was the best two weeks of my life.

He's caring, sweet and gentle, but can be very kinky and is amazing in bed. Mind you, he left me very sore every time we did anything, but I'm sure that if I had more time around him my body would... adjust to the size difference. <_<

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not with him because of the sex. That is just an amazing bonus. I'm actually in love with him. Going off into left field here, but I remember reading the Twilight books and wondering why Jacob meant when he said you can love more than one person at a time. I had never understood it at all. These two, make me understand it. Though my love for Chris dwindles to less and less every day - simply because of his neglect. With Jeff, I know and feel loved.

Anyways, about the title! I am SERIOUSLY behind on recolors. T_T I haven't done anything in two and a half weeks and I need to get several colors done by Monday. Mind you, if I work all day that won't be hard, but damnit I want my wireless mouse! D< This would be SO much easier with my wireless mouse. Alas, I cleaned my on Tuesday, and now I can't find the damn thing. -sigh- Back to work. T_T

Officially 17 weeks along :)

So I went to the doctor yesterday to double check that my UTI was gone. Good news is that it's gone, bad news is we found out I have walking pnemonia. So I'm back on antibiotics for 10 days. Also, I'm still really dehydrated so I have to keep drinking gatorade and lots of water.

I got to hear baby's heart again, it took the handsome male doctor 10 minutes to find her though lol and he had to hold her down a little. Literally. She was moving around so much he had to press down on the lower part of my belly to literally hold my uterus down. I can't wait to start feeling the baby!!!! And my next OB appointment is Friday, Dee is gunna go with me. And i get to schedule my next ultrasound then too!

Also, food is still staying down and doing well, though my apatite is still small. It's pretty awesome! :) Thought at the doctor they took my weight and I'm at 203lbs. That's the lowest I've been in way longer than I'd like to admit. But I'm staying steady now, for the most part. I think anyways. I hope so? lol

And today I went to my violin lesson. It was nice to play, it felt good. And I hope baby enjoys it too. :D I'm also slowly getting my room clean today because Corrina will be here around noon tomorrow for my prenatal massage. Luckily she hasn't graduated college yet, so she doesn't have her license so I get em for free. :) It's pretty awesome.

I'm gunna go though, watching Finding Nemo with Carl :D

Not an entirely bad day

My day wasn't bad, just... blah. Very boring, very uneventful. Aside from dealing with my little brother's lying ass. God I hate him most days. Asked if I could play the xbox with him and his response? He flipped me off and went back to playing. Then I ranted to mom over fb and she told dad who sent Carl (the youngest of the three of us.) down to tell Hunter (The middle child) to quit being an ass or he'd lose the system again. To which Hunter freaks out and tells me aunt that I lied to get him in trouble and this and that and got MY ass in trouble. I could kill him.

Yes. I am SO bored with my life that I'm finding ways to get you in trouble.

I'm 20 god damn years old! I'm WAY more mature than that. Sure, the way I rant doesn't sound like it sometimes but come on! Getting a sibling in trouble on purpose is a childish thing to do. Especially when they turn around and do the same to you.

But no, Hunter has to be the exception. I try to keep his ass out of trouble and what do I get in return? He's a pompus ass all the time. He's worse than teenage girls. He's a prima dona and a drama queen and has to be the center of everyone's attention at all time. Wanna know how bad he is? The other day he yelled at me for getting so much attention because I was sick and pregnant. To which I wanted to slap him and instead told him that if he thought spending 75% of my time sleeping in bed, 10% of my time in the hospital and the rest of my time hunched over a god damn toilet as getting attention that he could have my life any day. I will gladly fork over my ovaries for a week so he can deal with this shit.

He's just ridiculous. If he isn't the center of attention and getting his way he will throw a holy fit until he is. He has a horrible temple and a condition you often times see in tiny dogs: Big dog syndrome. Meaning he thinks he's all big and tough, when in reality he's a mini wiener dog.

He's constantly telling Carl how he can "beat his ass". Now Carl, being the calm laid back kid that he is, looks at Hunter and calmly says "That's ok." Like he really doesn't care. And I know he's not worried about Hunter. Carl has been in wrestling for almost three years, he places every single year at state. (He got third this year.) And frankly, Hunter is a walking stick. Carl, is built like a line backer. Broad shoulders, strong and stocky. The kid could pick me up when I weighed 250lbs like I weighed nothing. Hunter can't even pick up a 20lbs car battery without bitching about how heavy it is. He's a wimp and a complete jackass. I'm shocked Carl hasn't kicked his ass yet.

But unlike me, Carl has a very long fuse. My temper is short with most things, but with Hunter, it's non-exsistant. I hate that child.

Done ranting about him for now. Now for the good news!

STILL EATING FINE!!!! :D

Oh, and one of my friends from high school is going to school for massage therapy and needs practice hours and has been through her prenatal classes, so I get massages for free. I start on Wednesday. I can't fucking wait. My mom is pissed about it, but I don't care. She just hates that she doesn't get one. Plain and simple. Anyways, done for the night. My mother is a whole 'nother can of worms.

Texts at 3am

For once... it was a good text. I've been quietly waiting to see if Chris would text me. I was pretty sure he wouldn't text me at all, cause let's face it, people rarely change; but he surprised me. =3 He texted me around 3am while he was at work "Hey babe, sorry I haven't texted, had some issues come up at work." I don't even care if it's a lie at this point. He hasn't been the one to start a conversation in months, so I'm smiling regardless. This shows that he's trying, right? To go from literally never texting me first, to sending me a message in the middle of his work day. If not, it at least shows he thought of me enough at work to message me. That's enough to make me smile. <3

Family and Facebook

I have learned in the past that facebook and family members do not mix if you tend to publicly complain about your life and they are a large part of your life. As such, I had to delete my dad's friend request today because he tried to add me. There will be drama about it when he next logs in. I just know it.

Other than that, today was pretty good. Hung out with my friend Jake, went to see Hunger Games with Jack and now I'm headed to bed. :)

Elvis has left the building ;)

Oh yea, that's right, I got out of the house today and went somewhere other than the hospital!!! Mind you, it was just to the store, but I got lots of social interaction time and it was fantastic. Put me instantly in a good mood. Though, some random old lady grabbed my belly and asked when I was due. xD lol I guess in my new dress I was wearing I look further along than I am. She thought I was like six months and I had to laugh and say "No, I'm only four months. I just come with extra safety padding for the little one." xD It was funny.

OH OH OH!!! And I got to eat!!!! Spegetti! I could only eat like 6 bites before I was full, but whatever! That's progress! Oh, and a Campbell's soup at hand chicken and mini noodles cup. And some oat meal. :) And a bit of angel food cake with fresh fruit. It was AWESOME!!!!

I'm considering taking pictures once my tummy is out a little more, cause atm it's still pretty squishy. So... maybe just wait until it's more solid? Yea... :) That's what I'm thinking.

Oh, and haven't heard from Chris today. Kinda disappointed really. I can't believe I thought things might change. I guess not. Oh well. I'll give it a few more days and wait and see if he sends me anything.

Oat Meal; My permanent diet?

So it would seem that even when I'm really sick to my stomach that oat meal stays down. And usually makes my tummy feel better. I'm thinking it's because it soaks up the acid in my stomach which is most of the reason I'm sick so much. Stress causes high acid levels in your stomach, and my mouth can attest to how acidic everything I puke up is. So oat meal may definitely become a staple. :D

Ah, he finally responded.

I've only sent the text 8 or so times, but he finally responded with "wtf" and I replied with "what" and he said "I do care". So, being the vindictive bitch that I know I am texted back "Couldn't tell tbh." Why? Cause I knew it would upset him. As mean as that is, I feel it necessary right now. It seems perfectly fine for him to act like a child, so, since I'm sick as hell, I'll meet him at his level. Cause obviously, talking to him as a rational adult is doing nothing.

But now I sit and wait for a reply. Again.

"I'm sorry, perhaps I'm being too blunt tonight. Or maybe the issue is that I haven't been blunt enough lately. Your lack of showing you care is going to make me leave. Not run for a few months, leave. I deserve to have someone who shows they care all the time, not just when I bitch. You aren't getting any cause I'm not."

Maybe he'll respond to that. If not, I guess I leave him through text message. Not what I wanted to do, but oh well. I'm sick of the bullshit.

And he responds with "not what?" God he's dumb.

"-sighs- I'll show you attention when you actually show me some. And simply texting while you're at work doesn't count."

"I'm not at work now, my phone was dead, sorry."

It's been dead for two hours? Unlikely.

"It's always something as to why i never hear from you unless I send a message. One day your phone doesn't get any, the next it gets everything. or it's dead. wtf."

"Idk I need a new phone"

"You said you already got a new phone. We were talking on the phone the day you got it. Tell me another line I haven't already heard chris."

"Yea, and this one is only slightly better."

You lying sack of shit.

"Yet its shittier and I hear from you less and you have more issues with messenger. Don't give me anymore bullshit. I'm done dealing with it."

"fine"

What, not going to get defensive this time? I guess I hit the nail right on the head then, huh? Fuck you too.

"If you really don't care enough to ask then grow a pair and just tell me. I'm sick of people pretending to car and not being there when I need them!"

And now I wait for a response again.

"I do care, I just never know when your apts are to ask."

Just another cop out.

"That's cause you never ask about them! You haven't once asked how me and teh baby are doing! Not even with me being in the er 3 times in 5 days! We've known almost 4 months and you haven't asked once. How am I supposed to just think you care?"

"idk"

"Idk either. And frankly, I don't think you care. which makes me not want to care."

"I do.."

Dots means he's starting to feel bad about it. Good. He should.

"You don't show it or act like it Chris.
I've been trying to talk through things with friends to get ideas on what I can do to change and they all say the same thing: that you're being childish and there isn't much I can do anymore."

"-nods-"

"Really? That's all I get? I'm trying to talk to you about things so we can fix them and you can't even give me a decent response? Why am I trying?"

And now I get to sit and eat a Mango ice cream bar while he attempts to pull his head out of his ass and actually respond.

I'll be back to edit and update when he finally responds. It's been 20 minutes.

So he finally responded. Apparently he was in the shower and it's not important to tell the person you're in an argument with that you're going to be afk. Whatever.

-sighs- Our argument ended in sex. Mind you, it's obviously not real sex, but it has a lot of the same components and the same ending. We both let off a little steam. And now he's sweet and affectionate. He admitted that he was stubborn and pig headed and that he has a lot to work on and I find myself having trouble hating him once more. It seems a little release helped us both.  I just... can't help but feel disappointment in myself. Perhaps for not being stronger, but... idk... I really do love him.

Another visit to the hospital and an update on baby

So on Tuesday I got really light headed and still couldn't keep anything down so I drove myself to the ER. Very unsafe, I know. But no one would take me. This would make ER trip number three and the first visit I made where I had a female doctor. I tell them what's going on, they take my weight again and see I've lost 5 lbs since I was in on Saturday and decide another bag of fluids is needed. Joy. Have I mention that I really effin hate needles? Cause I do.

Anyways, the first thing the doctor did was a sonogram to hear the baby's heart beat. Come to find out it's at 150, when at 16 weeks it should be around 170. So my lack of keeping anything down is harming baby. And at this point I'm panicking. Because baby's heart beat is so low the doctor decides to pump me with 200ml of vitamin b6 on top of the iv fluids. Now, not only is it good for baby, but it's supposed to help morning sickness also. I was able to eat some crackers and drink some juice while I was there.

Here's the kicker: I texted Chris when I went in because he was upset I wasn't keeping him updated. He didn't answer until I was almost done with the liter of fluids and texted him again with a "Hello?". Why do I even bother? Then I ask him if he got the other text and he goes "Oh yea, how ya doin?" Oh, so NOW you care. Not when I tell you I'm going into the ER for the third time, but when I finally question you about getting that message. Wtf. I am so incredibly sick of your shit. My crappy family shows they care better than you, and that's saying something considering they refused to sit with me in the ER that night in the first place.

So tonight, pissed that once again I hear nothing from him I send him a text: Not that you ever care to ask, but me and the baby are not doing good. The baby's heart was at 150 Tuesday and it should be around 170. Oh, and I'm still really sick. Thanks for asking tho. Really means a lot.

No response.

Now, because he likes to use the excuse that his phone seems to get messages from everyone but me, I'm going to be the bitch that I am and resend that message every 15 minutes until he finally gets pissed and responds. Mean you say? Too bad. So is his neglect, and I'm quite honestly sick of it.

On a happier note: Oat meal seems to stay down very nicely. So I guess I know what I have to pester my family to get just so I can eat food.

As for the antibiotics and UTI, they made me pee in a cup last night and the antibiotics aren't' helping much. So I called the clinic today to ask if Dr. Wolfe could write me another prescription so I can try to get rid of this. I was told I'd get a call back. I didn't. I guess I need to try again tomorrow.

On a side note, I really need to clean my room. It's been over-run by used Kleenex and I think my aunt is getting pissed that I'm still sick cause she was a bitch all day today. I came and sat by her on her bed earlier and tried to talk to her and she goes "What do you want besides attention?" and I just stared at her in shock. "So you just wanted attention, huh?" "No, I wanted to talk to a human being, I'm sorry, I'll go try to find one elsewhere." and walked off. I've been cooped up in this house for over a week, and I'm going nuts. I'm sorry for needing social interactions every once in a while. My bad.

Anyways, that's the end of my rant for the night. I think I'm gunna take a hot shower and see if it helps my sinuses and lungs any.

The test

Starting today Chris has a week to message me, text me, whatever, attempt to talk to me on his own. He always bitches that I don't give him enough attention, well, now it's time to prove that he's the neglectful one. I won't tell him what I'm doing, but hints will be in my status' on messenger. I'll give him just enough rope to hang himself, and then I'll tell him exactly what I did. I'm done being jerked around and played with. If he really cared the way he says he does, then he'd message me. Period.

Pizza hut at midnight?

I may live in a small town but this isn't the only place I've lived ya know. I happen to know that even in a town as large as Houston Texas, Pizza Hut is not "busy as fuck" at midnight. Not when every other night you're telling me how fucking bored you are. Really? Don't give me your shit. If you don't want to talk to me, just tell me. Jesus. It's not like I'm four and going to throw a tantrum. I'm more pissed that you think you can bullshit me. Tell me you don't want to talk to me and that just makes deciding to go that much easier. So please, do me a favor: Pull your head out of your ass.

To the ER and back again. -_-

So after some awesome drama yesterday with my aunt and father, I realized that my urine was a combination of red, brown and orange. All things you can expect to see if your kidneys start to bleed. So my aunt rushed me to the ER and they make me pee in a cup. I actually took a picture of what it looked like, but I wonder if that's an over share or not. -shrugs-

Anyways. Doctor perscribed me safe allergy meds, and ran a test on my pee. They also decided I needed another full liter of IV fluids in my system. T_T It took them six tries and four nurses. One was a student nurse. Poked the top of my right hand twice time. The first time, she didn't even get the needle in because when she took the plastic off it she got some of the plastic stuck around the needle tip. That was fun. The second one was her teacher, who was actually a nurse. She got in my hand alright, but the vein rolled around and played hide and seek once she got under the skin. That's a lovely bruise and I feel it with ever key my right hand hits. It's not super bad at least.

The head nurse working that night right a vein in my wrist. After having it do the tuck and roll on her she looked at me and said "I think we should call Suzy, she's on call this weekend." to which I was almost giddy about. I LOVE SUZY. She rocks. One of the few people trained in anestetics. (The people that put you out before surgery!) Which means she's allowed to give you a shot of lidacane before digging around for a vein. Simply lovely. Literally.

So, what I want you to do is stick your thumb out like a hitch hiker does and look at it for a second. Now start at your thumb nail and follow it straight down to your wrist. You may not be able to see it, but everyone has a vein there. Suzy numbed and tris there first. No luck. Vein avaided her with every jab of that needle. Thankfully, I felt almost nothing. Next, she tried my right elbow, the one they stabbed once the previous night. All the other nurses said it couldn't be done. Suzy numbed it and had the vein in under a minute. It was awesome. The stopper got stuck again though xD Not like the night before! It wasn't nearly as much blood this time. But it was funny.

Along with the IV meds they gave me a shot of my stomach meds and some chocolate pudding. Once the pudding was down they gave me my first dose of antibiotics. Why? Because I have a really bad UTI (Urinary Track Infection) Now, anyone woman who's dealt with one is going to wonder why I couldn't smell the infection before it got so bad. Well, honestly, with my sinuses and this cold I haven't been able to smell much of anything sadly. So five days of antibiotics and it should be cleared up and my potty parts should be back in working order. And yes, a UTI can begin to shut down your kidneys, which is why there was blood in my urine. (If you didn't know that, don't feel bad. The doctor explained it all to me last night.)

Now you're probably going to ask me why I'm up so early. That is simply because a coughing spell started at 4:30 am and woke my butt up. It sucked. So feeling some inspiration I figured I'd update my reader. I don't have many at this point, but I'm not worried about it. I know the ones I have care. <3 That's all that matters. And I won't let that stop me from posting either.

You may be wondering how Chris is doing, since I haven't mentioned him in the last two blogs. Well, honestly, he got real pissy with me last night. I haven't been seeing him on messenger often, and he never responds to my texts and tells me it's my phone cause he texts his friends just fine. I knew he was at work when I got home so sent the same message 10 times, knowing he was getting my messages and after 10 times he'd be so irritated he'd answer.

"Since I haven't seen you on messenger, and you can't bring yourself to respond to any of my previous texts, I just thought you should know that I was in the ER again tonight."

So he asked what was going on and I explained to him all the drama and what has me sick and why I keep needing fluids. The minute I bring up Chad and my warning about pressing charges if he texts me again he flips and goes "The cops will have to find him before I do!" And I texted this exact message "oh stop. I've had to deal with dad all day. He called the cops after i told him to stay out of it and that I was taking care of it." Him "So? I'm protective, you know this." That's why you responded to my messages when I was in the ER, right? So at this point I was upset and said "Yes and I've dealt with enough stress today already. So keep the protective talk to yourself, please." He flipped out and I flipped on better. Cause for once he was the one appologizing at the end of the arguement.

Him: Wow, me being protective is stressful now? I will just talk to you tomorrow, love you, goodnight

Me: You asshole!! Fuck you then. I can't believe I thought you'd be understanding!
I didn't say YOU were stressful, just that I've already dealt with too much today.

Him: I am, I don't want to cause a fight its why I stopped
I was going to leave you alone tonight

Me: Yea, cause I don't need you at all after I've had a shit day and been in the hospital for the second night in a row, right? Is that really what you think?
You tell me how you're afraid of me running. Maybe you should worry less about that and more about how distant YOU are and how you push me away so much.

Him: I know babe, but with what's going on at work, I'm cranky and don't want to take it out on you
I've been accused of stealing money 3 times now, i'm making minimum wage at a manager position

Me:If you have to seperate yourself from me every time you're upset then how much time with you would I really get if we lived together? can you understand why I'd worry about that? It makes me afraid of saying anything because silence terrifies me Chris. Silence is emptiness and I'm sick of feeling empty with my life here.

Him: I'm sorry, I just don't want to add to your stress right now because my boss is an asshole, I do care and want to talk.

Me: Then show it. Cause your first reaction is what my parents do. When they do that it means i'm a burden and they can't stand me being around. It hurt.
Don't make me suffer cause you can't seperate me from work.

Him: I'm sorry

Me: I love you so much Chris, but you make it hard sometimes and I'm trying to deal with it. But with everything else going on I really need you to be there for me and sometimes that means me venting angrilly about life. I'm not mad with you, just that everything is going to hell and crumbling around me.

Him: *nods and kisses*

So I'm not entirely a bitch, but at the same time I feel I had a right to tell him how I felt. Sorry this update is so long and there's a lot of words that need fixing spelling wise, but I'm finally ready to go back to bed. So Night all.

Maybe I'm reading too far into this..

But I was talking to my aunt about how the guy who raped me has been texting me and still claims that I was awake and all over him. And I tried explaining that I'm too shy for that and my aunt looked at me and told me that I'm not shy and I'm sexual with everyone. When I think of someone who is sexual with everyone I think of a whore, and I've never considered myself that. And maybe I'm over thinking things and she wasn't insinuating that I'm a slut or anything like that, but if she was it wouldn't be the first time. My family has been saying it to my face since I was 16. And I'm like.... srsly? I hate my body and am shy as fuck about it. I'm not ok with just anyone seeing it. It just frustrates me and I'm super emotional today and really touchy. I had to re-fill out the paper work for child support cause they're stupid and either didn't get the first one or didn't like it. Well, I'm sorry. I don't have most the information on the guy who raped me. DEAL WITH IT. UGH!

My rant is over cause my mind just went... mrrrr I'm dead. ._.

T_T

PS. My teeth are killing me and ambosol isn't working. I'm also crying from that.

Sickly Update

So due to being unable to eat for two days, and most liquids including water not staying down either, I spent five hours in the hospital yesterday with an IV in my left elbow. I can't stand needles, I'm a weeny when it comes to pain. I truly am. Especially when my veins play hide and seek the minute the needle it out. No joke.

The first nurse tied the blue stretchy band around my right arm above my elbow and had the veins sticking out just fine. Cleaned it with an alcohol wipes and turned around to get the needle to start the IV. When she turned around my vein was gone. She tried, and couldn't get that vein in the least. So we tried the top of my left hand, because one of the veins was easy to spot. She cleaned it and everything and started with the needle and was close to the vein and had to stop because I was bawling in pain. I'm a weeny.

Finally, they made me wait 20 minutes while I suck down some water thinking that it was because of my dehydration and then a second nurse came in. She tried the vein in my left elbow. Hit it without a problem and with little pain. However! When she tried to get the stopper and needle tip out of the tube that stays in your vein, it got stuck. I bled EVERYWHERE. There was a rectangle cloth under my elbow and we filled a nice spot of it with my blood. And the nurse is worried that I'm panicking. xD

"It's not as bad as it looks, I swear!"

... "Blood doesn't bother me."

"Oh thank goodness."

LOL


**Just a side note, I thought I had mentioned this but apparently not. The IV fluids took four and a half hours counting the time it took to get the IV in and they put a full liter in me. Which I found makes your bladder really touchy, whether you feel you have to pee or not. Thank you Pregnancy! -_-

I'm a sympathetic vomit-er, cry-er, you name it. But the site of blood does nothing to me. Mind you, if I smell or taste the iron in it I will puke instantly. And the next person that says "Oh, you mean like Bella from Twilight?" is getting slapped. No. As in Bella from Twilight is like me. I've been like that since I was six. Last I checked the Twilight books came out in 2000-something. I was six in 1997. And frankly, was a shitty reader.

Speaking of books Dee has my library book and new heels. xD

*Random thought over*

Anyways, I was doing good when I got home, was even hungry for a salad which my mom took me to walmart to get. Got home and shortly after dad started being a dickhead. Not to me, to Hunter. (The oldest of my two little brothers) Who has a learning disability and struggles with school. Dad promised him two full weeks to show improvement or he would "make his life hell" as my father put it. He gave him four days.

Now, what started my stress was when I went into mom and dad's bedroom while they were lecturing Hunter. With as much as I've had ear infections you'd think I'd be capable of putting drops properly in my own ears by now, sadly I am not. I can't figure out how many drops I put in without seeing them go in cause i can never feel exactly how many I've done.

So I'm laying on mom's bed, minding my own business sitting with drops in my left ear. So I'm not even facing what's going on. Everyone is to my back and I'm staring out a window. Next thing I know my dad is talking to Hunter about how I'm "Three shakes from being thrown out on my ass" so he shouldn't feel so sorry for himself. I ignored it and let it roll off my shoulders. I've been keeping my nose clean and helping around the house when I'm not puking my guts up and everyone seems to acknowledged that but dad. To him, I'm still a lazy, worthless, free loader; and he's made sure I understand that.

What got me mad is that ten minutes later he starts with this "I don't know how with my intelligence I got landed with two worthless kids who completely fucked up their lives." Again, WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS WITH LIQUID IN MY EAR. After he said that I got and left, saying "I'm not going to sit here and be bullied when I'm not even a part of this conversation and have been sick in bed for two days without the ability to even remotely do anything against you." If I've done something to deserve being talked down too, and i know I have, then I will sit there and take it like an adult. But if I even remotely feel like someone is being unfair you best believe by blunt mouth will make it apparent real quick.

What does he say as I leave?

"Oh shut the fuck up, you still owe me money!"

Correction, my friend owes you money, jackass. Money for gas because I had to drive his drunk ass home. Money I can't collect until someone lets me borrow a vehicle and no one will do that. So until he lets me use his car to collect the gas money, he isn't going to get it. And I respectfully explained that to him several days ago.

Later on that night after I had stormed out of his room and went down stairs, my brother comes down stairs. Bawling his eyes out. What's the first thing he asks me? "Does dad really hate me?" If I hadn't been more concerned with calming him down and making him see that dad was wrong and that he wasn't I failure I would have gone up stairs and slapped my father.

I grew up being told I was worthless, fucked up and a disgrace to my father. I believed he hated me. That's why I left at 17 and moved from Texas to Wisconsin with my grandparents. I just had the unfortunate luck of them moving back in with my grandparents and myself two years later. I swore to myself I would do everything I could to keep my brothers from feeling the way I did growing up, last night killed me. Because it showed just how much I'm not keeping them from that. If I could support them I would fight for custody of my brothers, but the state would never allow it because I have no money. I'm disabled and can't work. Even if I get disability after my hearing on the 30th, it's not likely to sustain myself, my child and my two brothers. Which really fucking sucks!

My mom isn't so bad most the time. Sure, she can be selfish, and she makes us feel like a burden on her, but she isn't out right mean life dad is. I hate that man, I at least still love my mother.

Anyways, I should probably end this rant, I can't seem to work up an apatite, and my freeze pop is making me queezy, so I'm probably just working myself up too much. My goal for the day is to completely ignore my father. I want nothing to do with him. Maybe some day he'll understand that he's not the perfect one in the family who "does everything around the house" and "keeps everyone from steering into ice burgs" as he put it. I want to make a diagram of boat in the ocean, each with one of our names on it, and an ice burg in the middle with dad's name on it and show all the boats swimming like hell away from him. Cause that's what it's really like.

I'll tell you how tomorrow goes.

Sickly BS

Really body? You had to catch ANOTHER cold?! What, do you just hate me completely now? Ugh. This is just what I needed. -_- I can't take cold meds because I'm allergic to the only thing I can use while pregnant, and my coughing is making me puke more. Let's just say I'm staying in bed for the next few days. The sooner I get healthier, the better.

Cold and flu season; with a rant.

Is it really necessary to give a person a cold when they're pregnant? I mean, come on! We can't take cold medicine! I can't take anything for my sinuses, or the cough that's killing me. "Oh but you can take Tylenol!" FORGET YOUR TYLENOL! I can't take Tylenol cold so what's the point? Ugh, I don't mean to sit and bitch but this really isn't fair. My nose is plug and won't let air in to save my life - yet it's running down the back of my throat and making me cough. Making my throat hurt like hell and to top it off I can't get warm and I'm running a fever. This. Just. Sucks.

Oh well.

Anyways! I haven't posted in a few days, I'm sorry. Haven't had the energy to do so. I haven't even really had the energy.

Not much has gone on this week. Not much is going well with Chris either. No surprise there. Told me yesterday morning that he was going to nap before work, then later on that after noon tells me how fun the bbq is and that he's glad he has the day off. Wait, what? I was thoroughly confused and he tried telling me "Well I told you this morning what was going on." so I read through my text messages thinking that maybe I was sleepy and misread or forgot. I wasn't. So he right away corrects himself and appologizes. Really? Are you lying to me, or just being stupid? I give up.

In other news, cleaned up my msn list. Very proud of myself. :)

Speaking of msn, one of my friends asks how the baby is doing any everything every time we talk, then when I answer she gets all kinds of mopey and shit like she depressed it's going well or something. I realize she can't have kids, her heart wouldn't take it and her body is too small for it also, but really? If my answer is going to ruin the rest of our conversation then don't ask! It's not a hard thing to do.

Then there's another friend of mine who has a pregnancy scare every time one of her friends get pregnant. Really? I don't even know where to begin with this one! If you don't want kids, then use protection and get on birth control. That's what I did up until I quit having sex. Sadly, I wish I would have stayed on the birth control anyways, but that is neither here nor there. I was always careful and never slept around. If we were dating and I loved you, you got the golden ticket. If not, you didn't. There were only three guys I ever slept with that I wasn't dating and I was in love with one of them (My best friend Jack), loved one, and the other was just a poor choice. But I never wanted to be one of those moms who didn't know the father of my baby. Right now I wish I didn't know. Fuck, I'd be happy if it was Jack's! At least then I know it would have a good father figure in it's life.

What about Chris?

What about him? He can't even be supportive now. How can I expect him to be there for me when I literally have no time to be online for him and am getting no sleep during the first few months? I don't expect this relationship to out live the pregnancy by much. He tells me how his ex wanted nothing to do with him after she got pregnant and really didn't after she had the baby. And I'm like.. I'm trying! I'm here! I show that I care. WTF is your issue?! "Well I'm just scared to get too close" Little late for that, don't ya think? And don't even get me started on being scared.

How am I supposed to open up when you seem really flaky right now and talk about how you're thinking of bailing? What about that should make me want to try? Cause from the sounds of things you're the one with an issue, don't you think you should try working on it instead of projecting your problems onto me and making me seem like the issue? It's very frustrating. And he's constantly bringing up how he isn't getting any but that it's ok. If it were ok, he'd quit bringing it up. Maybe if I hadn't have been raped I'd want to be touched. But then again, I also wouldn't be in this situation.

But I'm not about to blame the baby or make it sound like the baby's fault. I don't blame it on bit. He's the one who can't man up now, and he's the reason I'm pregnant. (Two different he's btw.)

Anyways, I think I'm done ranting for now, I'm starving!!! :D YAY CEREAL! <3

Words of kindness

So, I'm guessing her post was started because I stated that I had no hope for finding anyone after Chris. Because of the baby and everything. Well, a friend of mine saw that and I woke up to this response this morning:

Geeklet, a little bit of reassurance for you:

I have a friend who was in a serious relationship with a former drug addict (also a friend of mine). She got pregnant, they were doing fine for a little while, until he started hanging out with some old friends. Then partying with these friends. Then he'd be gone all weekend. Then he lost his job, started taking money out of her bank account, and eventually it got to the point where she didn't see him at all for weeks at a time, and only knew he'd been in the apartment when she came home to find out that their TV was missing, or some of her jewelery, etc. She eventually got the locks changed and cut off all contact with him.

My point is, at 8 months pregnant, she found someone new, who felt strongly enough about her to start dating her when she was pregnant with someone else's baby; he was even there for the birth. They also had a second child together, and four years later they're still going strong. So there is hope.

Also, I met my fiance when my son was 10 months old. His father has never been in the picture at all, and M. took us on as a family and become little dude's father in every way.

So don't give up on men! If you do decide Chris isn't for you, you do still have options. Being pregnant or having a child just means that a lot of the jerks and man-children are already weeded out for you, because they won't be interested. Think of it as making your job easier.
by Savagery and Eloquence » Today, 11.15 am


Pretty amazing, huh? It's stuff like that that makes me feel like maybe someone could love me. Forget dad and everything he's said, what the hell does he know anyways? Just because he feels he has the right to tell me that no one will want me doesn't mean that no one will want me! He doesn't decide anymore. Period. Time to get him out of my head and actually move forward with my life. Not everything will just sit and wait for me now. This baby is on it's way whether I'm ready or not. It's time to stand up and be there.

Talks with not so supportive fathers and more pregnancy ailments.

So, my father was kind enough to have a "heart-to-heart" with my yesterday while I was puking my guts out and trying to clean the pantry out. What was his awesome words of wisdom? He told me that everything that's happened to me this year, including being raped before new years, is God's way of punishing me for being such a bad person and not going to church regularly. Really dad? I got raped, I'm pregnant and have an incurable STD now, and you're going to tell me that God is punishing me? Fuck you too.

On the note of pregnancy, I'm finding out that pregnancy can come with acne. T_T I haven't had acne since I was a freshmen/sophomore in high school. It's not really a bad thing, it's just like... wah. xP

The only other issue I have is my bf Chris gets upset that I'm not giving him enough attention, so tonight I'm playful and flirty and it takes him 10 minutes to respond to anything. I give up. I'm done trying.

Other than that, the day has been uneventful. I'm going to keep watching Internet Killed TV on Youtube and posting on Ernya. Night guys.

Morning Sickness and Other Ailments

(Yesterday)
184 Days To Go

Yesterday was Carl's state wrestling champianship, pretty exciting huh? Well it was! He got 3rd place in his weight class and he's only in 6th grade!! :D Last year he got 4th place so next year we hope he gets 2nd place! Anyways, my stomach was good the entire day, ate Subway for lunch and then at Hartees ham n cheese at almost 10pm that night. Now, the championships were an hour or so away from our house and I made it almost all the way home before I started getting sick. Luckily we kept a garbage bag on hand just in case this happened. But no matter how I heaved, nothing came up. It wasn't until nearly 30 minutes later, still being sick and such, that anything actually came up. Ugh, it was a pain.

Today I'm still having issues with my stomach, but I can't let that bother me. I have babysitting to do. I'll update this as the day continues - I can't post this until I get home and have internet.

-10 minutes later-
So I totally just got done eating my first ever lunchable. Cheese Pizza. I wish they had a taco one, but oh well. The pizza is good. I can't believe I've never had one of these things before!!!
THOSE JUICE PACKETS DON'T HAVE NEARLY ENOUGH JUICE.

Anyways. <_<

OMG THERE WAS CANDY IN THE LUNCHABLE TOO!!! Blue Raspberry Air Head! Stellar!! My favorite candy.

Well anyways, the rest of the day was fairly boring. I ended up staying all night because April and Desi wanted to drink. So I got to babysit Kenna too. That was awesome! She's two and the most adorable thing I've ever seen! And she loves to cuddle ^_^ I didn't get hardly any sleep though. =/