A much needed update.

Well, 35 weeks now. Lost my mucus plug  week ago. Been put on bed rest. Baby is completely healthy and could honestly come at any point. I've had my baby shower, I pretty much have everything I need, aside from more diapers and wipes, but... ugh I'm so excited!!!!! I cannot wait for her to be here!!!

Will post a more updated belly pic later. <3

Worst weekend in a while

My weekend started out hopeful, Amanda's spare sitting was going to take some of the babysitting time so I could get some time off, and I was going to finish graphics and get a good dent in the ernya event.

What does the spare sitter do? Go out of town without telling Amanda. So who got stuck spending almost all her time watching the two brattiest kids out there? Me. So here was my schedule:

Friday, 6am-3pm. 9pm-3am. [Barely had six hours between shifts.]
Saturday, 10am-7pm. 9pm-4am. [I had two hour to go home and eat and relax.]
Sunday, off. I literally slept all day.
Monday, 1am-9am [I leave for work in an hour]
Tuesday, 1am-9am

Wednesday: My 21 first god damn birthday and I can't even make plans cause Amanda hasn't told me if she needs a sitter or not and the spare is gone until the 24th. Not that it matters, no one wanted to do anything anyways.

So, Friday I had my mom's phone and was on Meetme (it's like facebook) and regretting checking on things cause I had several guys tell me how ugly I am and not worth their time and all this other bullshit. Saturday, had an awesome repeat of the same bullshit.

Sunday morning, I come home and I've been kicked out of the squad on Ernya. No message, no one would talk to me, nothing. I got to sit and worry about what I'd done, because no one had talked to me or told me that I was irritating people. And I'm not even mad at anyone for it... I'm mad at myself for being an idiot. It hurt because it made a status I posted on fb so much more real...

-Insert name here-

5 hours ago

It's sad when you realize the only guys ever interested in you are online and in other states or towns. Maybe it's because they don't have to see me... maybe if I was prettier someone would want me... Maybe I'm not as good a person as I thought... maybe that's why no one wants me.. Ugh I can't stop crying I'm sick of this bullshit!

 

What happened made me realize that the same thing goes for my friends... they're almost all online.. how pathetic am I that the only people that would celebrate my birthday with me have never met me in person... I can't even get my mom to go with me to the bar.. how bad of a person do you have to be for that kind of thing to happen... I've always prided myself on being a good friend and a good listener and there for people... but maybe I was only seeing what I wanted to see.. I mean... I irritated everyone so bad they kicked me out of the squad.. and won't even talk to me...

I really fucked up this time.. I gtg though, I need to send the wardrobe a trade and shower before I leave. I'm leaving Ernya. I've been saying for months that the only reason I stayed on there was the three girls and the family I thought I had found, but I was wrong, and I fucked it all up, so there's no reason to stay. If there's no reason to stay there's no reason to keep those items on there not being used, someone else should at least get enjoyment out of them.

Jackie, making faces at her bf Chris, I was a little slow on the camera. lol

Jackie's little nephew Brice He's so adorable!

Jackie and Brice fell asleep, I totally joined them in their nap <3

Brice fell asleep on my tummy and chest, I wanted to steal him D;

Fried Ice Cream at Osaka's Hibachi and Sushi restaurant.

Fillet Mignon, Salmon, fried rice and noodle, along with veggies and two pieces of shrimp. Best dinner EVER!

Cold Stone Ice Cream, Pistachio, sweet cream and nilla waffers

Maddy, Chris's little girl, on her trike. Wish I would have gotten a picture of Emma

Rainbow after all the rain

Rainbow after all the rain

Jackie and her gorgeous curls

Jackie showing me that you can shift on a manual without using a clutch if you get the rpms high enough

We left the house and she didn't have her house key so she still had to lock the house, and then go through the window to get back in lol

Jackie said no one was allowed to see how she was taping her boxes, they looked like swastikas

Jackie got me this shirt it says "Let's get one thing straight YOU'RE FAT I'm pregnant" I love it! <3

Bethy, Jackie's little sister, and her new Pontiac :)

Jessie, Bethy's bf

Better shot of my shirt ;)

Gorgeous sunset

This was taken just in front of the Superior high school, this car was definitely stuck. That flooding was awesome. lol

Insult to Injury

God really can't let me have anything I want and I'm getting so incredibly sick of it! What did I do to deserve this!? HUH!? Did I come up there and slap you in the face?! NO! So give me a fucking break for a change!

Things with Jack aren't happening like I thought. He's still with Jen yet tells me how he wants to be there for me and the baby and I'm just fucking done with that bullshit. Just done.

My disability got denied, again. Apparently having all my doctors say I can't work isn't good enough for the judge, I'm still not disabled enough.

HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO PROVIDE FOR ME BABY!?!?

Why would God make me go through this?!

Rape.
HPV.
Pregnancy.
Heartbreak.
Unemployed for fucking ever.

What am I going to do? I am so scared.... I can't stop crying... why does God keep putting me through all this... I don't want to be a single parent, let alone unable to provide for my baby. State aid only helps so much and I'm on my parent's food stamps until they move out or I turn 22 and they don't use the food stamps for me now, how am I going to get them to use the $50 I contribute a month when the baby is here and I really need it?

A gun has never looked so good....

Baby Update (Finally)

I'm sorry it's been so long everyone, life has been really busy and crazy and thunder storms were knocking my power out daily for a while there. I just wanted to let everyone know that my pic line is out and that I had gained 10lbs, but unfortunately it would seem I have lost 5 of that in the last two weeks. :( But here's the kicker! I haven't been sick! I haven't been throwing up. I've been eating and keeping literally everything down. So I have no idea why I'm still losing weight. Though part of me doesn't care, cause I'm at the lowest weight I've been since middle school. 205lbs. I'm way smaller than I was before I got pregnant. ^_^

Other than that, I have no new news. Sorry xD

Baby bump ;)

Six month pregnant! <3

blah

I need to write something, but the last few days every time I try I get no where... Idk what's wrong. All I know is part of it is me and part of it is the men in my life. =/